Dollary Duesdays #1: Fast Choice Double Beef Stacker

Dollary Duesdays is an idea that the Shameless Consumer had while held up in the local Dollar Tree waiting for the police outside to give the all clear to leave. Shameless Consumer is something of an expensive project, primarily because most of my reviews don’t actually make it to the public, so we’ve been looking for some cheap ideas to fill in the calendar. Don’t look at me, blame my supervisor. He hasn’t been hired yet.

The Dollar Tree is a veritable playground of sorts, it’s a window into an industry that has been given the green light to legally poison the poor while referring to their products as “food.” So this segment, which is planned for release on Tuesdays, will focus entirely on items that cost one dollar, available at the dollar store!

The Fast Choice Double Beef Stacker was made by an old Shameless Consumer friend, AdvancedPierre. The product is described as:

 Flame broiled beef patties with American cheese on a sesameseed bun.

Yea, sure. One thing I’d like to point out is that this product has a preparation time.

To Thaw: For best results, thaw before heating. Thaw sandwiches in refrigerator overnight. Sandwiches can be stored in refrigerator for up to 14 days.

You want me to thaw my frozen burger? I must apologize to the Shameless Consumer viewers out there (hi mom!), clearly a clerical error was made with this purchase. I was told that I would be reviewing Fast Choice, not Thaw in Fridge Overnight Choice.

What kind of schmuck thaws his dollar store burgers overnight in the fridge? I’m not buying this because I’m planning out my meals, Fast Choice, I have this burger because a hostage situation at the Boost Mobile store next door forced me into the Dollar Tree, and I was hungry and had a dollar in my pocket. The Boost Mobile employee said he was just signing the guy up for a contract, but that didn’t convince the police to not shoot him in the face with a tear gas canister.

One thing that the Shameless Consumer can’t get over is that this sandwich has all of the flavor and texture of a yoga mat. I’m not entirely sure if it’s possible to boil a hamburger, but Fast Choice somehow figured out how to recreate the texture and watery flavor. The burger itself isn’t as much juicy as it is pumped with large quantities of water, it’s like biting into a poorly sealed dumpling.

I also couldn’t figure out why the sandwich had a mild taste of rot, which the scientists over in R&D tracked down to the presence of Hydrolyzed Corn Protein in the seasoning. If you don’t know what that is, just read this.

Hydrolyzed corn protein is water soluble, and considered to be safe in food amounts. However it is rarely used in human food consumption because of its strong, fermented taste.

On the plus side, Fast Choice does contain Vitamin A Palminate, meaning this burger can literally prevent night blindness. It also holds the building blocks of life itself, no doubt an unintentional and ironic part of this food’s conception.

AdvancedPierre’s top of the line burgers run for around $2.50, so if you’d like a good summary of how bad this product is, imagine that they created a budget version and didn’t feel like putting their brand on the package. Whereas I commended the higher tier burger for how its bun reacted in the microwave, this one was overly dense and kept its shape by having the consistency of memory foam mattress stuffing.

If this burger had been greasy, it would have been just what the doctor ordered: A sloppy $1 burger with flavorless beef and flavorless cheese.

But it isn’t, it’s watery. I didn’t finish more than half of it.

Verdict: 1/5 – The disappointing child of the AdvancedPierre family. Didn’t microwave properly. Tastes like water.

Shameless Consumer Wants The Juicero: A $399 Packet Squeezer

Shameless Consumer Industries doesn’t generally use its leverage of the only food network to be explicitly endorsed by President Obama (in coded language during the announcement of Osama Bin Laden’s assassination) to get stuff, but ol’ Sha’Meless was reclining back, digesting the remnants of last Sunday’s Easter candy when he happened upon an article describing the Juicero, a product that somehow escaped my gaze despite raising $120 million in capital funds.

The concept of the Juicero is pretty simple, it’s a $500 device that squeezes packets of juice into a cup, upon which you drink the contents of said cup. Brilliant! I’ll take five, put it on my credit card and then throw the credit card away because there’s no way I’m paying that bill off and frankly it’s the bank’s fault for ignoring my credit score when I applied for said card.

Juicero uses fresh fruits and vegetables and the machine itself can apparently press with the kind of force that could lift two Teslas. I can empathize, as I’ve often found myself tired out after squeezing the Velveeta cheese packet with the force of two small kittens butting heads.

How can you not like this concept? It’s like a Keurig but cold, a Soda Stream for healthy drinks, a safer version of the contraption I built to siphon gravy out of chicken wing leftovers. Naturally I dug out the Shameless Consumer Corporate Credit Card and went straight to Juicero’s website to buy me a big stinkin’ Juicero and a bunch of those juice packets.

They wouldn’t sell me one.

It wasn’t because the credit card was stolen, which it technically wasn’t because I’m still an employee. Juicero does not currently deliver to Shameless Consumer Industries (I’ll let you know when I figure out where that is) and flat out refuse to provide us with a machine.

Juicero does not currently ship to the Shameless Consumer’s state, or any of the neighboring states, or really any of the states that neighbor the neighboring states. Despite this, they have the audacity to advertise a limited time drink called Granate Glow, which they describe as:

There are no words in the English language that sufficiently describe how good Granate Glow is (trust us: we’ve tried). Don’t settle for the soulless stuff on a grocery store shelf—our Granate Glow is fresh, raw, and mindblowingly invigorating. Consider yourself warned: you’ll never go back to bottled juice again.

Sure, Juicero, challenge the world’s greatest food wordsmith to describe a product that he can’t have.

So I’d like to meet in the middle. I accept your challenge, Juicero, as well as the Juicero system and the Granate Glow packet. Send me this device and I shall concoct a wordsmithing that will have you soiling your pants like you drank too much juice.

Have your people call my people, you know where to reach me. What are you, chicken gravy?

Review: Marshmallow Peeps Trio (Easter Edition)

Fun story: So the Shameless Consumer was sitting at his desk eating his usual lunch of Rolos and plain, unsweetened green tea, when the folks over in research and development come over and threw this down on the desk. Cherry Limeade Peeps. Assuming that I was in the midst of a stroke, I reasonably asked one of the two men to use the golf club taped underneath my desk to quickly put me out of my misery. They simply walked away laughing.

Undeterred, I strolled right into the office of the VP of Shameless Consumer Industries and submitted my resignation. He didn’t even read the not-so-subtle comments about his mother’s taste for disgusting perversions like Domino’s Pizza before slapping the page with a giant “rejected” stamp (I have no idea where he got the stamp). So I, kindly, and in between lobbing a barrage of vulgar and in hindsight possibly racist obscenities at him, requested to be fired again. That was denied. I ran over the VP’s dog, he promoted me to the nonexistent title of “Foreman of Peeps.” I shot the VP, he somehow managed to pile my desk with even more Peeps to review by the time I got back.

In order to better explain the craze for Marshmallow Peeps, I’d like to bring to my audience’s attention the concept of Freeganism, where Brooklyn hipsters save hundreds of dollars a month by dumpster diving and eat otherwise fresh, still packaged food that’s been thrown out because companies like Trader Joe’s weren’t able to sell it. Imagine if these people didn’t care about the quality of food going into their bodies, and you have those who enjoy Peeps.

If that analogy didn’t work for your, imagine Marshmallow Peeps as the modern Neo-Nazi movement. You rarely see someone eating a Peep in close proximity, but you hear about areas where it’s gotten really popular and you see people talking about their love of it online all the time. Bring it up in conversation however and everyone in the room will quickly disavow any knowledge or association with peep lovers.

1. Cherry Limeade Peeps

This product is described as:

“Cherry Limeade! Sour cherry dipped in lime fudge and graciously sprinkled with regret and the unfulfilled wishes of puppies recently turned roadkill.”

I may be editorializing a bit on that, but it doesn’t matter. One must wonder who in this world has been buying Peeps to the level that the company continues to pump out increasingly disgusting flavor combinations dipped in what I can only assume to be a combination of stomach acid and Chlorox Bleach.

And since Peeps brand isn’t merely content with bastardizing the term “marshmallow,” they’ve gone and taken a hatchet to the term “fudge,” using it to describe whatever they’re dipping the Peeps in. I don’t know what Limeade fudge is, I even went through the trouble of sending an email to Gordon Ramsay’s PR people who responded and told me to never contact them again.

One aspect I’m having trouble wrapping my head around is why the Peeps taste like soap. Imagine if Dial for some reason decided to make a cherry slush flavored soap, let’s say the CEO decides he’s going to poison a bunch of children in a way that has plausible deniability, this Peep is very close to what that product might taste like.

The limeade fudge is an oddity, because I still have no idea what it is, Gordon Ramsay isn’t answering my 911 calls, and I have an interesting theory as to where the flavor comes from. Otherwise, it has that distinct, acidy, candy lime flavor. In effect, the Peeps company took cherry peeps and dipped them in melted Lime Runts, which explains what Nestle did with the leftover flavoring after they discontinued Lime Runts in the late 90’s.

Verdict: 1/5 – Tastes like battery acid dipped in lime candy.

2. Raspberry Peeps

I have to give Peeps credit where credit is due, this is easily the best of the trio. Going back to my previous comment, this peep did not immediately smell of stomach acid and bleach, the scent was a highly muted raspberry. Peeps also deserves points for making a genuine raspberry candy, ie: not going the route of blue raspberry which tends to be more acidic and tart.

The fudge is, thankfully, just a neutral creme flavor and is not, as the purple color may imply, raspberry fudge. The pairing is decent, a fruity creamy mixture. It’s tame enough to be inoffensive to anyone who eats it.

I don’t have much to say about this product, so I’ll skip to some Peeps trivia. Have you ever wondered what those eyes are made out of? It turns out, Peep eyes are made out of Carnauba Wax, which is an edible, nontoxic, and it’s also used in wax products so it’s great for uneducated suburban moms to wax poetic about how inherently dangerous it must be on their blogs.

Another thing Peeps have going for them is sugar. It’s not great, but 10g of sugar per Peep is a lot less than I expected for a product that appears to basically be whipped sugar dipped in sugar.

Verdict: 3/5 – After eating two of the three, I decided that it would be better without the creme fudge. 

3. Vanilla Caramel Brownie

These aren’t half bad, but they’re not very good either. The vanilla brownie Peeps are filled with caramel, but it’s fake caramel, and the marshmallow itself is vanilla, but it’s fake vanilla (synthetic vanillin). The caramel is low quality, but I do like the fact that it is pumped throughout the Peep.

The best way I’ve found to describe the caramel is to take the stuff you find in a Milky Way and imagine that that is 5 star chef made caramel in comparison to this. It mimics the caramel like Ditto mimics another Pokemon, if you see it out of the corner of your eye, in passing, and you happen to be blind then you might be convinced you’re looking at a real Pikachu. Otherwise on Easter you’re probably better off eating the actual candy you received.

Again, I have to give Peeps an A for effort, but the presentation is like a good looking gingerbread house but all of the pieces are put together with glue, so you’d probably not want to eat the final product even if it is technically non-toxic.

Verdict: 2/5 – As far as Peeps go, this is more edible than the usual variety. 

Bonus: Confetti Peep Egg

No. Absolutely not. This egg smells like diabetes and the first and only bite I took of it has all the taste and texture of a mildly strawberry flavored packing material.

Verdict: N/A – Not my horse, not my barn.

Review: Smart Made Grilled Sesame Beef & Broccoli

The Shameless Consumer is a well known philanthropist and connoisseur when it comes to smart things made smartly by smart people, so when the new brand Smart Made by Smart Ones smartly struck the Smart Mart where the Smartful Smartsumer partakes in what less smart people might refer to as “shopping for groceries,” he couldn’t smart up the opportunismart for a smart meal with smart smartgredients. Can someone smart me a smartbulence? I think I’m smarting a stroke.

Smart Made by Smart Ones is a new brand offshoot looking to capitalize on the whole “ingredients you can pronounce” craze that’s sweeping the nation’s 7th grade reading level, words that don’t have too many syllables and sound just foreign enough to be exotic without sounding too foreign. You don’t want to go frightening everyone in WalMart. The first product I’ll be looking at is grilled sesame beef and broccoli, a meal made only with products I can pronounce like “vegetable blend,” “cooked brown rice,” and “seasoned cooked grilled sirloin beef steak strips and corn starch product.” Gotta love that corn starch product. I can pronounce all of those, I can even partially spell them.

Smart Made describes this product as “grilled sirloin beef with broccoli, roasted red peppers and onions over brown rice lightly tossed in soy sesame sauce.”

Despite all of its boasting about simplicity, Make Good’s cooking instructions include five steps. Step one is to vent, which following a thirty minute long tirade on the statistical health benefits of gradually adding Kraft cheese powder to the public drinking water, the only thing I’d accomplished was that the meal had started to thaw and leave beef condensation on my unopened copy of Copout on VHS. In the name of time, I decided to finish up step one and throw the dish into the microwave, punch in the odd symbols, and cook the bastard like yesterday’s yogurt.

Smart Made Sesame Beef & Broccolli by Smart Ones is a smart deal, and cooks up rather nice to boot. What you get is a healthy dose of steak, veggies, and rice, and just the right amount of sauce. Not so little that you’re desperately licking the sides of the bowl, but not too much that you can’t take a mid-meal nap without worrying about drowning.

The broccoli and snap peas were all kinds of crunchy, like running over a hard shell taco on a gravel driveway crunchy, and there was a surprising amount of beef considering how much the frozen food industry likes to skimp out on the meat. I did not notice a quantifiable number of sesame seeds on my beef, but I’m holding out hope that they’ll show up thanks to a somewhat misleading phone call to the police and the resulting amber alert sent out at 3am for a ‘Sasamay Se’yad.” I know someone is going to call me out for abusing emergency services, but unless you’re one of the eight, max nine phone calls that the 911 operator told me I’d tied up before giving up and doing what I said, you’re just complaining for no reason.

Frozen dinner technology has made great strides over the years, with the end result being that vegetables come out of the microwave with an impressive level of crunch and flavor. We’re quickly hitting a point where it’s getting hard to tell the difference between home cooked and flash frozen, although in my case the latter leaves me with my eyebrows intact and the apartment smelling less someone burned their eyebrows off. Just think of how far we’ve come since Soviet scientists completed groundbreaking tests back in 1964, successfully flash freezing a German Shepard named Beef Stroganoff only to later unfreeze him with scientists remarking that the tests were 100% safe and could be replicated with a low sodium soy sauce.

The sauce itself falls into the usual category of ‘could use some pepper.’ There’s not a whole lot of variety in soy sauce mixed with pineapple juice, but the meal makes good of it nonetheless. The fact that the vegetables have their own flavor definitely brings this meal out as something worth eating.

The only shortfall is exactly where you’d expect in a meal counting calories, it probably won’t fill you up. Still, the Smart Made by Smart One uses good ingredients, it tastes good, and it’s probably good for your in some understanding of the concept of healthy. It definitely will stave off starvation, and I’m pretty sure the test results will lean toward that being a good thing.

Verdict: 4.5/5 – Better ingredients, tasty corn starch product.

Review: Lays Wavy Chocolate Covered Potato Chips

(Editor’s Note: This article was initially written on a piece of paper on October 4th, wrapped around a brick, and thrown through the window at Shameless Consumer Industries. It took us a couple of months to track down Sha’Meless Consuman to his safe house in Sheboygan Wisconsin where he had shacked up with a life-size cardboard cutout of Ron Lipski. Some of the comments may be out of date, but he insisted we publish this unaltered.)

If there’s one thing the Shameless Consumer loves, it is the manager’s discount section at my local Tops Markets where all the damaged boxes go. If I had to guess, and this is just speculation, I assume they hire mostly arthritic ferrets to open boxes and feed them nothing but bath salts because they manage to damage enough Instant Oatmeal and cereal boxes that I was able to bribe several officials in the Breakfast Illuminati to rig the election in favor of Donald Trump. I don’t know if I’m allowed to post this because the election is still a month away, please advise.

I don’t particularly like the guy, but he was one of the first supporters of the 1986 Supreme Court Ruling in the case of Stanley Garczynski V the State of Florida in which the court ruled 8 to 1, majority opinion read by Justice Burger, that the presence of pizza on a bagel set the legal precedent that pizza could be eaten at anytime. It seems like a minor ruling, but it led to future rulings on the legality of pancakes for dinner.img_20170110_222435

Lays Chocolate Covered Wavy Chips are one of those things that sounds crazy, but is actually pretty simple on paper. It’s like brain surgery, any schmuck can figure it out but you have to get your mind into the right starting point to know that the goal is actually to keep the patient alive. This is a very simple combination of salty and sweet, a flavor shock that sends your brain swirling like a kick in the mouth by a boot covered in sidewalk salt after you slipped and accidentally keyed the dude’s car.

Most people who saw this in stores were probably hit with sticker shock, or my stun gun which tends to go off because I like to pretend that I’m Magnum PI while I’m rummaging through the candy jar for the freshest burnt French nuts. Don’t make this dirty. This product is five ounces of chips and chocolate, and initially it cost somewhere around the realm of $5. It was basically self-defeating, as the price kicks out any rational thought of how much chocolate actually weighs. The consumer just processes that they’re paying $5 for a bag of chips with relatively few chips.

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So this product was on Target’s clearance shelf, next to the catnip for white teenage girls also known as pumpkin spice as well as the pumpkin pie filling, the pumpkin coffee, the pumpkin marshmallows, and for some reason a hell of a lot of protein bars. There was also the Batman V Superman cereal, which we’ll talk about another day.

My recommendation on these chips is to eat them chip side down. Since only one side is actually covered in chocolate, the other side is pretty barren, leaving enough room to get that salty goodness all over the inside of your mouth cave before the chocolate shows up with dynamite and blows it all up. Eat it upside down and the chocolate will flood your taste buds and leave the salt out to dry. Isn’t salt normally dry? It comes from the sea so that can’t be right.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but this product would do well with less chocolate. Tone it down a bit, maybe you can fit more chips at the same weight then. There’s more chocolate than potato chip and you have two strong flavors knocking each other around with the chip basically being the Ronda Rousey of this fight. I understand when people say that the chocolate ruined the product for them You know the situation is pretty bad when ol’ Sha’Meless is giving instructions on how to eat a product the right way, but here we are.

The plus side is that the chocolate is very good. It delivers the whole “melts in your mouth, not in your hand,” a rather cunning concoction that mixed with the wavy chip means that there wasn’t much of a mess on my hands and the chip was crispy, not a soggy one in the bunch. It’s odd to consider this as a food that must be eaten properly, but stick the chip side down and you’ve got a party in your mouth where someone just smashed a champagne bottle on the counter.

Ultimately I have to give this one a positive review. If you see it on clearance, grab a bag or two. One for a friend, and one for you. See what chocolate in chips together can do. I just noticed that this paragraph is rhyming so I’m just going stop typing. Happy Halloween.

Verdict: 4/5 – A deliciously simple blend of salty and sweet that doesn’t advertise well consider its cost. Could use less chocolate on the chips. Now you know the breakfast Illuminati exists, they don’t care if I tell you because you can’t stop them.

Review: KFC Nashville Hot Chicken Strips

You might be thinking that Nashville Chicken comes from Nashville Tennessee, and frankly I can’t see your logic. Luckily you have historian Shameless Consumer to show you the error of your thinking. Nashville hot is actually the product of Johnny Nashville, chicken farmer and proprietor of Nashville’s very first chicken-themed government protest. Look up “Coop D’etat” in your history books if you don’t believe me.

But enough history, let’s talk chicken.

Nashville Hot is a method of cooking chicken marinated in seasonings, fried, then spiced with cayenne and paprika. It is often served with pickles and a form of bread, since the chicken is greasier than our good friends the Saltinis.

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Let’s be clear on one thing: When it comes to fast food chicken, KFC basically has the game down. The three chicken strips I ordered were crispy on the outside, moist and tender on the inside. The cayenne and paprika that make up the “secret sauce” provide a heat that starts out at a low hum and gradually increases its presence as the meal goes on.

KFC’s Nashville Hot is described as:

The Colonel’s latest creation was inspired by one of Nashville’s most famous dishes. Featuring a perfect blend of spicy cayenne and smoked paprika, it’s available in tenders, Chicken Littles™, and Extra Crispy™ Chicken.

Like a perfectly mixed concoction, it gets hot without ever leaving you gasping for a drink of cole slaw or a spoonful of root beer. Imagine lighting your pants on fire because the electric company shut the power off, and having it burn just enough to keep you warm but without singing the hairs off of your thighs. Actually that’s a poor example, imagine being on the receiving end of an ass whooping that you find yourself strangely enjoying.

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The KFC Nashville Hot is served in a plastic container with pickles and a biscuit, which will come in handy and I will now discuss further. You see, the plastic container means that there is nowhere for the many oils of the chicken to go but down, leaving what can only be described as an oily soup at the bottom of your container. If you can wait long enough, save the biscuit for last because by the time you finish the chicken, the biscuit will have soaked up many of those oils and spices.

And if you do need solace from the heat, that’s what the cole slaw is for. There are also a few pickles in the mix that help cleanse the palette, and presumably the abundance of oil is what allows the spices, and thus the heat, to stick to your tongue and keep its slow burn.

Ultimately KFC’s Nashville Hot is one of those things that is just straightforward tasty and doesn’t provide whole lot of the funny. If you like your chicken with just enough heat, but not too much heat, this is the meal for your.

Verdict – 5/5: KFC Nashville Hot is a delicious blend of chicken, chicken skin, and spices.

Review: Moon Pie Sea Salt Caramel

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We’ve talked quite a bit here at Shameless Consumer about the origins of flavor combinations, and now it’s time you learned about sea salt and caramel. You see, unlike the Arnold Palmer, which was the loving result of marriage and childbirth, sea salt caramel has its basis in bitter, bitter rivalry with a bit of sea salt sprinkled on top.

In order to fully get the story, we have to go back to 1800 Bologna Italy, home town of the renowned yet unaccredited Saltini family. The Saltinis became rich during the occupation by Napoleon’s forces in 1796, striking a deal with Napoleon himself to retain ownership of local sea salt mining operations on the grounds that the family refuse any deal that would see their salt used to flavor the Roman church’s papal crackers. When Bologna traded hands in 1815, the Saltini family was forced to emigrate out of fear of retribution by Pope Pius VII, making an agreement that allowed the family to continue their control of said mine.

So the family hopped into their 1810 Lamborghini Alfredo and booked it with the intention of heading toward what they thought was Novigrad Croatia. However, since Croatia had suffered numerous changes of hands over the years, confusion, lack of road signs, and a general disinterest by head of house Giovanni Saltini to ask for directions led the family astray and the next thing they knew, their car had run out of gas outside of immigration services in downtown New York City. With their reserves of pasta and olive oil depleted, not to mention Grandma Saltini working her way through the thousandth rendition of E Il Sol Dell’anima, the family set up shop.

Over the next few years, Giovanni Saltini would purchase the land and expand his newly international sea salt empire, promising a fortune for any worker willing to put in a day’s effort and coining the term “worth your salt,” in the process. In 1815, however, the Saltini family goes head first into a property dispute with the owners of a nearby mining operation, a  family of Portugese immigrants who had taken advantage of cheap land prices and abundant natural resources. The disputing family, also known as the Caramelos, owned land right next to the Saltinis and set up shop mining its natural caramel caves. According to a lawsuit filed by the Caramelos in 1816, runoff from the Saltini sea salt mine was contaminating their caramel, resulting in the family having to recall all product.

To their surprise, 98% of customers refuse to acknowledge the recall or return the product, they loved it. It seemed as though the families had inadvertently struck gold, creating the next big sensation. People fell in love with the unconventional matching of sweet and salty. The Caramelo family drops their lawsuit and, in December of 1816, family head Leche Caramelo agrees to meet Giovanni Saltini on the sidewalk outside of the Teamonte Cafe. Unknown to Caramelo, Saltini has no plans on forming a business relationship and upon their meeting, he shoots Caramelo point blank in the chest with a shotgun specially modified to fire pellets of sea salt.

Due to the pellets dissolving in Caramelo’s blood, the police are unable to produce sufficient evidence to prosecute Giovanni Saltini, however the NYPD is forced to acknowledge via a later lawsuit that the mixture of blood and salt had melted the icy sidewalk, thus creating a safe environment for responding officers and offering Giovanni a solid character witness, and in 1818 the city compensated the Saltini family by handing over the deed to the caramel mines plus thirty six cents for a day’s lost wages.

Giovanni, sadly, would not survive to see the fruits of his labor. In 1822, the head of the Saltini family perished in a carriage accident. In respect of their father’s pride, the horses involved in Saltini’s trampling were butchered and served at the wake. Daughter Elsa Saltini took this opportunity to field test the first run of the family’s new product: Salted caramels. The new dessert was a hit, transforming the wake from an event of silence and honor to something more closely resembling a birthday party.

The family business would expand over the next hundred years until great grandson Adolfo Saltini in 1917 witnessed a shooting star and decided to leave town to pursue it. He followed the extraterrestrial object across the country, all the way to its crash site in Chattanooga Tennessee where he found that farmers had mined it clean and used its innards to create what we now know as the Moon Pie. Adolfo approached the head miner and made a business offer and the rest, as they say, was history.

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But that’s enough learning for today, we’re here to talk about food.

The salted caramel Moon Pie is an alternate take on a beautiful American classic, the lesser known flag sewn by Betsy Ross’ equally sexy sister, the pair of teeth that George Washington only used in formal occasions, the Vice President of flavor, the deciding vote when the Senate Foreign Culinary Committee comes to a 50/50 opposition and the guy who will probably grab your ass at a formal dinner party and leave a caramel hand print.

At the very least, it will leave a caramel hand print on your face as you open the packaging. The caramel aroma, much like the freedom that the Moon Pie is based off of, does not like being contained, and will burst out as soon as the plastic opens.

It’s important to remember that this is first and foremost a Moon Pie, secondarily a salted caramel treat. The caramel coating, as you would expect, is very thinly layered on top, so thin that you might not even notice it if you wolf down the pie in one mouthful. In this respect, the salted caramel outside is the soft bass carrying the melodic tone of the Moon Pie’s fifth overture, delicately enveloping you in its arms as the soft graham cracker and marshmallow bedding whisk you to a dreamland of serenity, beauty, and presumably an endless stack of Moon Pies.

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There are only two times when it is appropriate for a grown man to cry, and one of those times is when you look upon your Moon Pie with the realization that there is only so much time before both the plastic wrap and your fingers have been sufficiently licked clean of leftover residue. Now that we’ve finished the Moon Pie, I think now it’s been long enough that we can reminisce about it.

The sea salt caramel Moon Pie is soft, gooey, and tastes of deliciously sweet (and salty) caramel. It has exactly the right amount of salt, caramel, graham cracker, and marshmallow. Truly this is culinary inventiveness at its finest.

Verdict – 6/5: The salted caramel Moon Pie isn’t the greatest achievement of man to date, but the first half of this sentence is wrong.