Review: Got Milk? Magic Milk Straws

Chopsticks not included.

If Wolverine taught us anything, there’s nothing more bad ass than a cool refreshing glass of milk, whether you take yours fat free, fat filled, soy, coconut, almond, lactaid, or even in a bag. Being a pretend parent, I know it takes a lot to get kids to drink milk, whether or not Hugh Jackman is putting on metal claws and threatening to cut them to ribbons if they don’t start sucking down the creamy goodness by the time he finishes counting to one. Regardless of your intent, or the health (and lack thereof) of the beverage, it has been and still is a time honored tradition that children don’t enjoy drinking pasteurized fat, putting us back to that good old tradition of negating health benefits by making the product taste delicious, and by taste delicious I mean tons of sugar and artificial additives. Of course you gain extra points if you make it chocolate or strawberry flavored.

The flavored milk craze really started its steam in the 1950’s with more popular brands such as Nestle and Ovaltine, and the concept was pretty simple: You had a powder, and you had a cup of milk. You took your spoon, and “spooned” the powder into the milk, until you achieved your satisfactory amount of powder, or your mother knocked you upside the head and asked you if you would like some more milk with your chocolate. Finally, you would use the same spoon to stir the glass, until the powder was completely dissolved into the liquid. Finally, you would use that same spoon to drink the beverage, because by this point the powder to milk ratio was balanced in a way that using a straw would have been impossible, and the milk had achieved a consistency that would allow you to smash the glass against the floor, and still wind up with a cup-shaped chunk of chocolate mud.

Got Milk? Magic Milk Straws is like an entire series of lies from start to finish. Looking at the packaging, the first thing you’ll see is the tip of the straw looks like a plastic apparatus, which if you view the picture you can clearly see that no such device exists, rather the straws are pinched at both ends to ensure that milk comes in, and milk comes out, but no candy comes out with it.

On a health note, the bottom of the package advertises: No artificial colors, no preservatives, no artificial flavors, and gluten free. Let’s look at the ingredients, shall we?

So…Sugar, sugar sugar, strawberry flavor, and carmine. A side of me wants to ask what on God’s green earth the “strawberry flavor” is, if it isn’t strawberries yet there is no artificial flavoring. And in case you haven’t thrown out your family’s stock of magic straws, the Carmine is what gives the beads their pink color. Carmine is a pigment obtained by boiling Cochineal bugs, scale insects. So you parents have nothing to worry about from those nasty artificial additives, at least not when stuffing your child full of three types of sugar, some mysterious strawberry filler, and boiled bugs for color.

Thank the lord Got Milk? for the instructions placed on the back. Throwing away my glass of spoiled milk, I poured myself a fresh glass of soy milk and, hoping that Got Milk wouldn’t discriminate against those of us who don’t drink straight from the cow’s teat, ventured into my strawberry treat. The amount of space that the beads take up, combined with the milk trying to make its way through the straw, makes for one hell of an experience trying to get the milk from one end to another. If you’re the kind of person who has the prerequisite skills to suck a golf-ball through a garden hose, then you are likely too old to be drinking milk through a strawberry straw. I guess they really weren’t lying when they said you had to sip, because I’ve always been under the impression that milk was made to blow bubbles in your cup.

Going against the one sip rule pits against your favor, as in my experience everything past the first sip failed to carry the strawberry flavor. You would get an overwhelming initial burst of strawberry flavor, the “strawberry” flavor by the way akin to what you might find in strawberry candy, but after that it’s just plain milk. Speaking of candy, I should remind you that the strawberry straws are basically just that: strawberry candy in a straw.

You could remove the strawberry candies and replace them with Nerds, reseal the straw and give yourself a nice grape or apple flavor (do Nerds come in apple?). If you want to go real nuts, buy a box of apple coated watermelon/Lemonade coated wild cherry and sit in wonder and amazement as your apple lemonade milk slowly turns into watermelon cherry. Before you puke, that is.

If you’re thinking this is too kiddy for your tastes, you couldn’t be any more wrong. Got Milk is so serious about their products, they’re ready to knock your shit if you get out of line. A warning label (yes, a warning label) says that children under 3 MUST be monitored by a parent at all times. Well, that makes sense. Theoretically we could hope any parent should be monitoring their child at all times.

The other two warnings however, “one straw per glass of milk” and “only use straw once.” Remember kids, Hugh Jackman has big claws, and he is willing to use them on children who screw around and put two straws in the same glass of milk. Just another reminder to how hardcore milk is.

Ultimately, even though I relegated myself to sipping down my milk like a little girl at her first day in kindergarten watching all the kids she doesn’t know run around and play with each other, call each other by first name, and share the fake cookery with…I’m getting ahead of myself. Even with my regulated sipping regiment, I still ended up running out of strawberry long before I ran out of milk. I diagrammed where I began to where I ended.

Just another set in the series of lies that this milk straw has set upon me. I guess the idea is to get kids to start drinking the milk, and then finish the straw before the cup is empty, and just drink the milk anyway, and eventually come to like the taste of milk by itself. Now me, I enjoy the taste of soy milk, so I finished that sucker, but as a kid I would likely pour the milk in the sink and be on my way to that fresh bottle of Dr. Pepper that has been calling my name in an oddly Celtic accent.

At $1.99 for a pack of five straws, I can’t recommend Got Milk? over much better alternatives, like Nestle powders or even syrups that come in much larger quantities at similar prices. You’re paying for the same thing either way, so you might as well either get your money worth or convince your kids that if they don’t drink their milk, Hugh Jackman is going to turn them into kabobs.

I did find a use for the rest of the milk beads however, as I found the nearest family member’s prescription bottle, poured out the eerily similar pink bits, and poured the candies in instead.

Ultimately, I can’t recommend this product. There are too many better alternatives to make “magic straws” anything more than the latest stupid fad that isn’t really a fad and doesn’t catch on as much as the corporate suits would like to think. Buy yourself a carton of Nestle or Ovaltine, at least the Ovaltine has real ingredients.


10 Replies to “Review: Got Milk? Magic Milk Straws”

  1. It sure is great you did a horrible review for a product that has changed and become the number 1 selling milk modifier… makes you feel great that people read your lies doesnt it… oh wait they dont!

    1. I tried one of these just now, and it’s like sucking through a clogged artery of a 400lb man. You can’t even taste the strawberry, just random bursts of sweetness. This product sucks.

  2. I read his “lies” and I think they are quite funny and not far from the truth. Keep it up Omali, I’ll take good ol’ Hershey’s chocolate syrup in my milk over a candy-filled straw any day (or better yet buy intense-flavored milk).

    1. It may be serious but they now have a multi million dollar company and promote HEALTH! not sugars and killing your body wit hhersheys like you choose to do. Congratulations on taking years off your liife!!!!

  3. Ashley,

    The straws themselves have sugars and artificial chemicals too you know. The first ingredient listed on the package is sugar, the second is “glucose syrup” and lastly, “strawberry flavor” doesn’t sound natural to me. There are far worse things in this world to consume than Hershey’s chocolate syrup. I rarely drink milk, and if I do, I consume the intense brand or better yet, soy. I apologize for not being sold on a silly straw that tastes like garbage (in my opinion). I’m glad they have a multi million dollar company, kudos to them for selling something a lot of “knowledgeable” people buy. Quite frankly, I am a very healthy individual; I think someone is taking a joke a bit too far; it’s just food.

    Have a wonderful day.

    PS: I will help you out here. *health * ,not *with *Hersey’s *life!

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