Review: Eggo Real Fruit Pizza

I keep this pizza real.

Let’s be straight with one another. I promised I wouldn’t abandon this website on my last post, and technically I haven’t. At the time, I was not informed that pointing out the level of sodium in any food by TGI Fridays could leave me subject to prosecution by the Food and Drug Administration’s “No Shit Sherlock” division. After almost six months in a TGIF Rehabilitation Clinic, I’m finally out on good behavior (Rule #1 is eat your anytizers, or they pump the sodium directly into your veins via IV), and I’m back to doing reviews.

My choice for the Eggo Real Fruit Pizza derives from a small fault in the way my brain was initially wired together, in that the message “this is so stupid,” often misfires and instead activates the “this looks like a good buy,” subroutine. As described by Eggo, the Real Fruit Pizza is “Strawberry Granola is topped with real strawberries and, crunchy toasted granola — Mmm, delicious!” Damn straight, Eggo. Damn straight.

Uncooked.

Eggo Real Fruit Pizza is about the size of a single serve Digorno, and is essentially pop tart crust with a layer of yogurt, fruit, and granola. The concoction takes approximately 5 to 7 minutes to cook at 425 degrees. At my house, this temperature means that preheating the oven actually took longer than the cooking time, and increases the likelihood of my house burning down, but I wasn’t about to give up. This isn’t that fake fruit garbage pizza you buy in bulk and throw in the microwave. This is real fruit pizza, from WalMart, and it deserves to be oven baked for maximum freshness.

While we’re waiting for the pizza to cook, let’s talk health. Statistically speaking, Eggo Real Fruit Pizza carries 6% calcium, 8% iron, and about 400mg of sodium, and 30% your daily requirement of saturated fat. It also has so much gum, they might as well call it Stride Mystery Pizza. Xanthan Gum, gum blend, guar gum, locust bean gum. Oh, I google’d “locust bean gum,” it’s not what you think. Unlike our Magic Milk review, this product contains 0% boiled bug carcass.

Cooked, drawn, and quartered.

Pizza’s done! When I called this, more or less, a poptart, I wasn’t lying. Real Fruit Pizza tastes essentially what a pop tart would taste like, if they used real fruit chunks in pop tarts. The product surprised me, as I was expecting, to say the least, crap. The strawberries are indeed dried strawberries that moistened out nicely, while the granola  managed to stay crisp and crunchy. The yogurt was a mixture of just right and negligible, as if Eggo was running short at the time of production and needed to stretch that yogurt spread as much as humanly possible.

The Eggo Real Fruit Pizza is somewhere in the middle for me. Its preparation is too long for a simple snack, but it’s not something you can call breakfast. I also can’t get the image out of my head of a bunch of corporate suits sitting at a table, and one guy showing a detailed slide show, including topographical maps, pie charts, and line graphs, presenting the idea of the Real Fruit Pizza. I wonder if he was fired on the spot, and is currently in the unemployment line next to the guy who decided to stock up TGI Friday’s potatoes with more bacon and cheddar than the restaurant offers.

I give Eggo Real Fruit Pizza a one thumb up. In the end, I felt like I was eating a pop tart for rich people. This also comes in mixed berry.

Pros: I’m out of prison. Real strawberries, real yogurt, real granola. Goes great with white wine. Can be rolled up and eaten as a real fruit chalupa. It’s like a pop tart for rich people.

Cons: Not enough yogurt. Someone is deservedly on unemployment for pitching this. I had to buy this at Wal Mart. Preparing the oven took twice as long as the actual cooking. I have to create a new category.

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