Coming into this article, I asked myself “why have I never heard of the combination of smoked salmon and cream cheese?” And then I did a quick Google search and found a whole assortment of words that have never passed my table, let alone my ears. Frittata, canapes, brunch. And then I remembered that smoked salmon, at least in my town, requires a license that can only be obtained by knowing someone who throws fancy dinner parties, or whatever a frittata is. I was actually asked to provide my yacht license at checkout, which thankfully I have a forged version of my neighbor’s with my name and picture.
But Wegmans brand isn’t just some Philadelphia cream cheese with salmon flavoring in it, no this abhorrent delicacy is indeed made with real smoked salmon. Well, smoked salmon and smoked salmon powder. In fact, I should really emphasize that it is real fish so if you do buy it you should take heed of the warning: Use within ten days of opening. Mine’s been open for two and a half, maybe three weeks but then again anyone reading this website knows I have absolutely no regard for what food enters my body.
The first taste hits you like a truck, and then backs up over your body to ask if you are alright. As far as cream cheese goes, the salmon mixture blends quite well despite the various minuscule chunks of fish. On crackers, the tastes blend together quite well. The salmon lends a distinct smokey taste while retaining the cream cheese smoothness and texture. I have to say, the salmon is very overwhelming and you have to sit on it for the cream cheese to reveal itself. But being me, I had to try this as a breakfast food, and that meant bagels.
This may have been the first time a food has even sent a shiver down my spine, next to that time I took a sip of the clear Windex some sadistic moron in my house thought was best stored in a water bottle and left on the kitchen counter. The combined smell of the blueberry bagel and cream cheese formed together in an ungodly stench that could only be what you find in the toilet after Satan shotgunned the entire bottle of salmon vodka you found online from Chechnya. If I hadn’t already tasted the cream cheese before putting it on the bagel, I would have assumed it spoiled.
The moral of the story we learn from this is: Don’t purchase outside of your income class. My stomach is more attuned to McDonald’s Frappe, TGIF loaded potato skins, and whatever else I can find that will send me into some combination of diabetic/sodium-related shock. I love cream cheese and I love a good smoked salmon (even though the one time I had it a bone stabbed my throat on its way down), but I couldn’t find many good uses out of the smoked salmon cream cheese. It isn’t terribly bad for you, although this is the rare case where I will say that the serving sizes are outrageously big (two tablespoons, or around 1/8th of the container). I really suggest taking the ten day warning seriously, this is fish product after all.
Following my taste testing, the Wegmans cream cheese with smoked salmon really sits with you, like a giant pulsing ball of goo slowly eroding the walls of my stomach. If there is anything on this website that I will eat that qualifies to make me feel ill without being allergic to it, this may be that product. I have to go lie down now.