I’d like to talk to you about Cheeses. Cheese is great, Cheeses judges no man by the color of his skin, the ability of his character, or his ability to process dairy. Cheeses will never tell you that you are unworthy, nor will he ask for money. Cheeses will do its best to fight for you, your children, and your children’s children. In Cheeses’ name we pray. Amen.
Since this is April, I thought it’d be best to discuss a food created by an omnipotent being and sent down to offer people like myself some compensation when my drug-addled family member says “hey, let’s go eat at Boston Market.” I’m not saying Boston Market is bad, but considering the restaurant smells of sulfur and I can hear the employees being cooked in the kitchen, I can’t help but feel I’ve either stumbled into hell or their subsidiary known only as Boston Market.
Luckily for an introvert such as myself, my local Target carries Macaroni and Cheese from Boston Market and absolutely nothing else from the menu. A quick six minutes in the microwave is all you need to be whisked away to heaven, or at least a sodium-laden very lifelike imitation. But hey, there’s no such thing as a free lunch, right?
Boston Market Macaroni and Cheese cooks up nicely, and is absolutely drowned in a blend of two cheeses from the kitchen of George Michel (who is not George Michael, as I found out) himself. The cheese actually tastes like a less salty version of Velveeta, odd considering that the container has a good fifteen million milligrams of sodium. But more on that later. The less important macaroni portion of the macaroni and cheese was soft and firm, without the normal dry hard spots that commonly comes with the frozen microwave variety.
The only problem I have with Boston Market Macaroni is that there is just never enough, and that is not good for my health. While the box meets 20% of your daily requirement of Calcium, 12% iron, 4% Vitamin C and 8% Vitamin A, eating the entire container will also get you to 1,700mg of sodium for a single cup of macaroni, or 70% of your daily requirement according to the Mayo Clinic (even more if you put mayo on your mac and cheese, come to think of it). You’ll also fill up 600 calories and 60% of your daily saturated fat.
So what I’m saying is: eat responsibly. Have the mac and cheese after you have done your driving, not before. Always make sure your Boston Market Macaroni and Cheese is locked in a place where your kids can’t get to it (those greedy bastards), and when eating out at Boston Market, ensure you have a designated driver (or someone with a stomach able to withstand Boston Market). Remember, Boston Market intoxication levels may vary by state. Consult your local DMV to determine legal intoxication levels before you Boston Market.