Spice It Up: Jimmy Dead Ham and Cheese Omelets

It’s been a while since I last spoke to you all, and once again I feel as though I owe you a nonsensical and unbelievable excuse. When I said in my Magic Milk Straw review that milk was hardcore business, apparently I meant it. Shortly (fourteen months) after I posted the review, I caught the attention of someone who either works for Got Milk, or spends a lot of time at home wasting her time on an activity I like to call “taking this website seriously.” The quote, in its full:

It sure is great you did a horrible review for a product that has changed and become the number 1 selling milk modifier… makes you feel great that people read your lies doesnt it… oh wait they dont!

Perhaps I started a little early on making comments about Ashley behind her back, because it turns out that when you mess with the number 1 selling milk modifier, you may as well have signed your death warrant. I don’t want to imply that Ashely was responsible for, say, the handful of nails thrust into all four of my tires at unnatural angles, but that is only because the police investigation is still classed as “ongoing” and the FBI is very strict about revealing information. But that is neither here nor there. The important thing is, I’ve been under witness protection for the past few months, and I can only assume Ashley is currently trading stories of life’s past with her bunk mate in Guantanamo Bay. So for the rest of the article, as far as any of you know, my name is Henry Kissinger and I am Secretary of State.

Instead of just doing reviews here at the Shameless Consumer, I want to discuss spicing up foods. Because let’s face it, just because you wouldn’t buy something yourself doesn’t mean you won’t eat it if it is already in the fridge/freezer and you you want an omelet but the eggs are on the second shelf and you’ll be damned if you’re going to take the time to get that goo off of your fingers. But just because your basic necessity of eating doesn’t strike up enough effort to, say, throw some lunch meat and cheese on bread, doesn’t mean you have to also have to suffer through the bland, artificial, or downright toxic flavors of your average Jimmy Dean breakfast. So let’s start with Jimmy Dean’s Ham & Cheese Omelet.

Looks the same coming up as it does going down.
Where are my manners? For what it’s worth, Jimmy Dean’s omelet cheese is surprisingly decent quality. The cheese is a combination of very sharp cheddar and Monterey Jack, with a bite strong enough that it overpowers pretty much anything else that they throw in to make the omelet seem more exotic. Sure, the mixture does look a bit like someone already ingested, digested, and excreted it, but there’s a reason that the omelet comes closed. You don’t want to know what is in it, and Jimmy Dean sure as hell isn’t saying.

Really. Foodfacts.com, which is now my favorite website next to any medical website that can immediately diagnose me with terminal brain cancer via the shooting pain in what it claims is the Balrog gland that those corrupt doctors won’t acknowledge exists. Was I talking about something? Oh yea, Foodfacts.com rates Jimmy Dean’s Ham and Cheese Omelet an F, and judging by the sad face, I don’t think that stands for Fantastic, Fabulous, or Franklin Roosevelt. Considering that one omelet fulfills 98% of your daily Cholesterol level, you might as well just call this thirdmeal since it is breakfast, lunch, and dinner all wrapped into one. Also sported in this odd package is 250 calories, and 32% of your daily requirement of sodium. On the other hand, the omelet sports 15% of your daily requirement of calcium, so if you eat five per day your bones will be strong enough to haul your fat ass to the emergency room.

But Jimmy Dean doesn’t need you knowing what’s in his omelet. It’s on a strictly need to know basis, and let’s face it: If you’re eating this omelet, you aren’t responsible enough to handle such information. Foodfacts.com lists flavored oil butter and artificial flavors, both of which are marked controversial ingredients because FDA laws don’t require the manufacturer to actually tell you what is in them. Even worse, I have no idea what the hell that “ham” is (the pink stuff in the picture that makes the omelet look like a flesh wound), but the ingredients list the only “ham” ingredient as “ham water.” Foodfacts had no information on what “ham water” is, so please send my thoughts and prayers to my loved ones when I’m dead.

However, as foodfacts points out, the whatever-the-hell-this-is is a great source of calcium, Vitamin A, and low in calories. And trust me, even if no one in your house has any knowledge of buying it, Jimmy Dean’s “ham” and cheese omelet will make its way into your freezer. I think originally this was supposed to be about spicing up the Jimmy Dead Ham and Cheese Omelet, but let’s face it: there’s only so much I can do while under witness protection.

-Henry Kissinger.


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