Review: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken CBO

I love McDonald’s, even when I don’t have coupons. Not for the regular burgers, your standard garbage that tastes like it was made out of the same paper it was wrapped in, that was cooked about ten hours ago and has dried and shrunk to resemble that time you walked in on your old neighbor who died in the apartment and sat there for a couple of weeks before anyone noticed the smell. No, you’ll find that most things early on in the menu are what you’d call “drunk food.” Because it’s a lot easier for a drunk person to just say “four, medium” than actually have to ask for two cheeseburgers, fries, and a coke. The good stuff, on the other hand, is held higher up on the number system for those of us who have at least a second grade education, and at reserved the top tier for only the privileged folk are items not even listed with a number. No, my friends, in order to order the finest delicacies at McDonald’s, one must be able to speak fluidly. If you think I’m joking, you should meet my friend. He is in marketing at McDonald’s and has to make decisions like that.

Now assuming you aren’t still salivating at that photograph, let me just say that the sandwich actually does look pretty much like it is pictured. The CBO stands for Cheddar, Bacon, Onions, and comes served in chicken (crispy or grilled) or beef (Angus). Since grilled chicken is for people who still delude themselves into thinking McDonald’s can be redeemed on a health level, and as for the angus, I’ve had it before on the third pounder. So crispy chicken it was. The people at my local McDonald’s already have me pegged as a stoner, so as I see it my reputation can’t go down any further showing up at 12:30am for a CBO.

I say this quite a bit, but the CBO may just be the best thing on the menu at McDonald’s presently, and my compliments to the chef at the McDonald’s on Walden Ave. at midnight November 5th, and the girl at the drive through who spoke too fast for me to understand. There is actually an item on the menu that is more appealing than the fries it comes with.

“Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, a perfectly crispy chicken breast filet is topped with smooth white Cheddar,* crispy hickory-smoked bacon and grilled onions. Served on a fresh bakery-style bun.” If God came down to Earth and, for some reason God would only know, decided to bless one thing upon humanity, in the form of a chicken sandwich at McDonald’s, this might just be that sandwich. For once, the sandwich is just as it is advertised. The bacon was crispy and thick, full of that delicious artificial smokey flavor. The chicken was crispy in just the right places, and the dual layers of cheese and sauce brought everything together in what I like to refer to as “seven minutes of heaven,” but others might call an eating disorder.

Do you want to know just how bad the sandwich is for you? I sure as hell don’t, but I have to because this is the job I don’t care about or get paid to do. One sandwich emboldens you with 30% of your daily requirement of Calcium (So much cheese), 20% of your requirement of Iron (for irony), 16% dietary fiber (for pooping) and 45% of your daily requirement of saturated fat (no wait, that’s a bad thing). On the other hand, the sandwich comes loaded with 1,630mg of sodium, 61 carbohydrates, and 100% of the post-McDonald’s shame that many of us feel. Using McDonald’s built in nuitrition calculator, I was able to find that the healthiest way to eat the CBO is to simply drink the creamy mustard sauce. Only 10 calories and 2% of your daily sodium intake.

McDonald’s Cheddar Bacon Onion sandwich was brought in as part of a strategy to turn around a profit and balance the menu of low-grade, beef and sawdust mixture with the kind of premium items most of us would just describe as “edible.” The corporation has been under scrutiny by its franchise owners for what they refer to as bankrupting the company by forcing major renovations of the brand on the backs of price cuts. High profit items like the CBO are supposed to offset those costs.

But the CBO is a limited time event, so get it now before you have to eat something healthy. Until next time, my friends, be safe.

-Henry Kissinger.

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