I am very disappointed with AdvancePierre Foods. In the standard “look up the company’s website so I have a joke to start off with” task that precludes every review, I came upon an order form of a magnitude far greater than that afforded to me at my local grocer. More burgers than you can wrap your car around. Jalapeno, mushroom and swiss, barbecue, pulled pork, double, jumbo, and chili dogs, and a ton of chicken sandwiches. And what do I I get to choose from in my grocery? Cheeseburger, bacon cheeseburger, and spicy chicken. You mean to tell me that I could be reviewing a mushroom and swiss burger and I’m stuck with this bacon cheeseburger? For shame, Pierre.
The Drive Thru brand is something I’ve always laughed and passed over when forcing myself to go to the store. After all, just about any burger you get from the freezer section is guaranteed to be microwaved, soggy, greasy garbage, a pretty accurate portrayal of drive through food. I don’t normally indulge in either offering because I prefer my burgers to be somewhere in the realm of edible, and I don’t drink excessively so I still maintain some level of standard in my daily life this website notwithstanding. There’s something about burger patties that they just don’t sit well once they’ve been cooked, be it in the freezer section or in the trousers of the guy working at McDonald’s, even if the body heat from his thighs manages to keep the food evenly warm. I’m getting off topic.
Immediately I spot a similarity between Pierre and Drive Thru burgers, the misleading advertising. Despite what the box may suggest, there is no lettuce on this burger. Sure, it’s in the picture, but what makes you think that the image on the box should accurately portray the look or ingredients of the product? What are you, a communist? Next thing I know, you’ll be demanding that the burger has bacon on it, or beef. As my local McDonald’s used to tell me, put on some pants. The sign says “no shirts, no shoes, no service.” I think I’ve fulfilled those requirements, thank you. Pierre was smart enough to also not include “lettuce” on the description or list of ingredients. Smooth move, Pierre, but I didn’t bail you out in the war on the planet Vegan Prime to have you lie to me about your toppings.
As far as the product itself goes, this is a pretty standard burger which is either good or bad depending on how you look at it. It is meat with cheese and bread. Surprisingly, the bun held up much better than I expected it would in the microwave, managing to stay soft and decently fresh tasting rather than losing its moisture and becoming hard as a rock. I’m actually more impressed with the bun than the overall product. The rest of the burger is a single strip of soft, floppy bacon on top of a piece of cheese, and a chunk of unseasoned ground beef underneath. Like I said, this is the quintessential drive through burger: Poorly cobbled together, cheap, greasy, and I’m probably not drunk enough to enjoy it properly. Put your condiments on, shut the hell up, and eat your damn dinner, as my mother used to say.
The bacon cheeseburger is also very good for you, at least when compared to consuming the same weight in mercury. Each burger is loaded with 21g total fat, 8g saturated, and 1g trans meaning some of you will never see this product in your stores (see local trans fat bans for details). You also get a third of your daily sodium, a fifth in cholesterol, and some vitamins A, C, calcium, and iron. At two dollars, however, it is honestly a better choice than the stuff you’ll get at the drive through and at a much cheaper price. How much is a burger from the mid to high tier at McDonald’s? Six bucks? I suggest AdvancePierre’s bacon cheeseburger to the same people I recommend McDonald’s to: people too drunk to care. Just try not to burn your house down by microwaving the cardboard box with the burger.
The Drive Thru burger also invokes another familiar feeling of eating at the drive through: Shame. The kind where you think to yourself “I’m never eating that again, this year, this month, this week, well not until tomorrow, between now and my next meal, chomp.” I would recommend AdvancePierre’s Drive Thru Bacon Cheeseburger as a better quality alternative to your standard drive through burger. If you’re going to get an Angry Whopper or something fancy, give this a pass.