Every couple of days my parole officer calls me up to check in and make sure I haven’t purchased any Got Milk? Magic Straws. Those of you who read the Shameless Consumer will know about my longstanding battle with Got Milk? and either a poorly veiled PR plant or a woman with nothing going on in her life, otherwise known as Ashley. When it became obvious that slashing the Shameless Consumer’s tires and “accidentally” slamming into my car wasn’t going to stop me, Ashley went ahead and somehow dug up that in my time visiting relatives in North Carolina, I had been secretly scraping the trappings at local pizzeria fryers to sell for extra cash. Apparently if you steal more than $1,000 in grease in North Carolina, it becomes a felony and following a lengthy trial, I now get to talk to a parole officer every Monday and Thursday. The court agreed to lower the sentence to parole as long as I agreed not to instigate another incident by buying Got Milk? brand straws.
Fine with me. Once you get past the novelty, the Got Milk? flavors are rather uninteresting. Instead I found myself in Target, which now stocks Dippin Dots brand magic milk straws. Two flavors, no competition on which I would pick to review. How do you pass up birthday cake flavored milk? Very easily, I know, but that’s not the answer I was looking for. What does birthday cake taste like? My first inclination was diabetes, until I looked at the packaging and saw that each straw only contains four grams of sugar. Bullcrap, I said to myself. This is America, and if my birthday cake doesn’t come with a shot of insulin, then dammit it isn’t real cake. The only logical step is that Dippin Dots magic milk straws may just be a communist plot, but I will hold my conclusions until after the trial.
Dippin Dots Magic Milk Straws look exactly like that other brand, crimped straws stuffed with candy Nerds of varying color. Dippin Dots apparently doesn’t take itself as seriously as Got Milk does, that or the creators subscribe to the Libertarian philosophy of survival of the fittest. Those of you who read my previous review will know that the latter includes a warning for adults to supervise all children under three while drinking milk, dangerous as it is, and advises users to not reuse straws and to only use one straw per glass of milk per person. Personally I believe that if these straws are so magic, surely they can supervise a two year old while his mother makes a quick trip to the grocery store, bank, and laundromat without worrying that somewhere between depositing a check and picking up the laundry that the kid will have used the straw to carve himself a tracheotomy. And even if he does, the straw is hollow and, when all is said and done, he’ll have breath that smells like birthday cake. You have to think positive.
While our meal is cooking, let’s look at the nutritional information. This straw has jack nothing. No fat, no cholesterol, no protein, no sodium. There are 17 calories and 4g of sugar. What is it made out of? Sugar, dextrose, glucose syrup, natural and artificial flavors, sweetener (sucralose), coloring (red 3, yellow 5, blue 2). Who didn’t see artificial sweetener coming? Sucralose is better known to many of you as Splenda, or that garbage that tastes like sweetened ass. I bring this up because there are some parents who will refuse to buy this simply because it includes Splenda. It’s also interesting that in all of the press releases I’ve seen, Dippin Dots goes on about how the straws contain no preservatives or high fructose corn syrup. It reminds me of my uncle who was technically telling the truth when he told the cops that the body wasn’t buried under the garden, because technically speaking the body was inside of it. Technically true is my favorite kind of true.
I’m not sure where Dippin Dots was going with this product, but they chose the laziest path possible. If the packaging is anything to go by, the straws are supposed to contain yellow, pink, and blue beads. My package only contained white and pink. When I saw that the flavor was “birthday cake,” I figured that the actual taste would be sugar and I was not wrong. The dots smell a bit like birthday cake, but are simply sugar. There is no attempt at flavoring them as anything remotely close to cake, in which case why not cut the formalities and add a spoonful of sugar to your child’s milk? This tastes like plain cake frosting. Lazy, lazy, lazy.
And not very long lasting. I counted nine short drinks before the candy in the straw had completely dissolved, which is much worse than the Got Milk? candy straws fared. All in all, this product is simply lazy. The website describes it as flavored like white and yellow cake, but there is no subtle difference in the individual colors, nor do they even taste like cake. As a product, this isn’t terrible, but it isn’t good. The beads dissolve way too fast and they aren’t really cake flavored. There’s also the factor that sucralose is insanely sweet, so after drinking through two of these straws for the review I had all of the symptoms of diabetes without the actual disease. Again, nothing but disappointment.
As I concluded the review of that product that shall not be named, there are much better alternatives out there on the market. Dippin Dots Magic Straws may have less sugar than their leading competitor, but you’re trading a small benefit of sugar for the nasty garbage that is Splenda. Go for Ovaltine, or a nice malt. Ovaltine is fortified with vitamins and nutrients, and both are far healthier for you than Splenda and its powers of cancer.
Give this product a pass.