Shameless Classic: Moon Pie Banana

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The Moon Pie is a confectionery dessert which was gifted by God himself when a meteorite deposited the first pie in Chattanooga in 1917, upon which the factory was built and has continued manufacturing to this very day. Some have speculated that the Moon Pie was the first form of viral advertising, to bring attention to the moon which shared the same shape and relative size when viewed from Earth and appeared in the sky at about the same time. This is actually where the name “moon” is derived. This date also marks the first full implementation of nighttime farming thanks to the luminescence of moonlight, whereas farmers had previously been forced to have one hand free to direct the backlight of their cell phones, a difficult and often dangerous task. To celebrate, the citizens of Mobile Alabama constructed a 12-foot Moon Pie which is raised up on new years in the hopes that a new flavor would be granted via astrological event.

But enough history for one day. The Moon Pie is a deceptively simple concoction, three graham cracker cookies filled with marshmallow and covered in chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, and banana. Preparing and eating the Moon Pie is just as simple of a procedure, with two very easy steps: Remove from package and shovel into mouth. The simplicity of preparation made this a hit among coal miners, who desired something filling and heavy, but also tasty and reminiscent of American exceptionalism. The snack is commonly associated with another pillar of American society, RC Cola, and even inspired the creation of the hit song “Gimmee an RC Cola and a Moon Pie.” You can go ahead and look this up all you want, I’m not lying.

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Let’s talk nutrition. Every Moon Pie proudly boasts 0% trans fats and 0% communism. The key ingredients are enriched wheat flour, corn syrup, sugar, vegetable shortening, dutched cocoa, cocoa, kosher gelatin, baking soda, lecithin, salt, artificial flavoring, and sodium sulfite. I know what you’re thinking, and yes this food does contain lecithin, a stabilizer derived from animal fat. So theoretically, you might just be snacking on a chicken cordon Moon Pie. Luckily the product also contains Thiamine Mononitrate, which can be used to preserve meats, ensuring your free range 100% breast meat Moon Pie parmesan stays fresh until well past its liberal-enforced yet meaningless expiration date and can accompany you to the afterlife following Armageddon.

There is also the factor of Iron, of which Moon Pies contain 8%. Moon Pies also weigh in with 7g total fat, 5g saturated fat, 55g carbohydrates, 27g sugar, and the sodium of approximately one third of a TGIF Loaded Potato Skin with Cheddar and Bacon. These ingredients come together to form a creation that is sweet, chewy, and filling. They are cheap and in sufficient quantities are capable of curing even the worst cases of dictatorship. They aren’t vegetarian friendly, but then again neither are you. For an additional bonus, you can microwave them for 5 to 15 seconds for an out-of-this-world treat. Communication with heaven is not a guaranteed part of this deal, but if you microwave the Moon Pie in its foil packaging and stand right in front of the microwave, your chances increase dramatically.

I give the Moon Pie five bald eagles out of five, this is a treat that is best consumed tongue in cheek.

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