Review: Moon Pie Bites

How is everyone doing? It’s your favorite Shameless Consumer here with another review. No, not that cheap imposter that took my job, I am the one and only Sha’Meless Consuman; infiltrating your web space like an out of control gorilla in a China shop that sells unsupervised toddlers. You can read my golden words by looking down at the page marked “archive.” I have no idea what language that is, but I’m pretty sure it translates to ‘better than what the drivel we currently publish.’

So the knuckleheads down at Shameless Consumer Industries never revoked my email account, so I’ve been sitting back and listening in on the products being pitched for review. When the news broke that Moon Pie had created a bite sized movie theater version of their world famous (the part of the world that matters anyhow) snack/cushion, I knew it was my time to act.

I got in my car, grabbed a Moon Pie and an RC Cola for the road, and blasted off toward destiny. Cunningly using my not-yet-revoked ID card, I strangled the current Shameless Consumer with the lanyard in the parking lot and stole his deets. Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he survived the fall. Protip: don’t fight a fat man after you’ve stolen his food job.

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As I said in my previous review, the Moon Pie is as American as marshmallow sandwiched between graham crackers and drizzled in chocolate, not to mention just as tasty. The Moon Pie Bites take that all-American, god given patriotism and infuse it with another national tradition: sneaking food into the movie theater.

A word of warning. Like freedom itself, the effect of Moon Pie Bites is not diluted just because it is in your pocket. Steer clear of any, shall we call them, unpatriotic entities otherwise you’ll be seeing the rockets red glare if you know what I mean. I passed by a theater playing a subtitled movie and let’s just say fireworks smell horrible when they inflame the unbathed and communist leaning.

Moon Pie Bites are described as:

MoonPie iconic brand is now available in a confection. MoonPie Bites are unique and delicious. Same great MoonPie S’More taste!… no campfire necessary. Be the first to try MoonPie Bites!

Boy they are. The campfire might be unnecessary, but I’m a man of conviction and the theaters are overly air conditioned anyway.

One important thing to note, the Moon Pie Bites don’t contain any actual marshmallow. Instead, they use artificial marshmallow flavoring, allowing for the product to be certified kosher and vegetarian.

The Shameless Consumer can sympathize with the kosher crowd, being kosher himself (just don’t read my prior reviews). But to make this all-American product vegetarian? Unfathomable. Hit me up in the comments to let me know if you’re a vegetarian, although I’m sure I don’t have to ask. I’ll remind you before you comment that I am indeed vegetarian as well. I love a plate of cheesy potatoes or broccoli to complement a rack of ribs.

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The Moon Pie Bites smell heavily of graham cracker, but the taste isn’t there. If a ghost farted after eating nothing but graham crackers for days and the fart solidified, I’m sure this is what it’d smell and taste like. I imagine the problem with Moon Pie Bites is that they are too small to encapsulate the Moon Pie experience. Moon Pies are soft and chewy, thick and creamy. These are chalky, crunchy, and closer to malted milk balls.

Regardless, the Moon Pie Bite is the Terry Bolea to Moon Pie’s Hulk Hogan: The underlying reality that is probably capable of suing us into bankruptcy if I take this analogy down an inappropriate road, not that I care because I don’t work here. This product is just unpatriotic at its core. What self-serving American takes a product and makes it smaller? Here’s how you spin off Moon Pies: Double stuffed chocolate marshmallow with sprinkles, and a coupon for a free box of M&Ms. You know, for dessert.

If you’re going to the movies, you’re better of just sneaking an actual Moon Pie in with you. It’s more filling, it’s probably cheaper than the bites, and if the usher catches you with a couple Moon Pies in your pocket, it’s not like he’s going to throw you out. You’re probably more likely to get a high five and an RC Cola. I’m pretty sure it’s in the constitution.

Ultimately, I have to give these a pass. They are the unnecessary, lower quality version of a product that was already portable, and they take away more than they add as an alternative. Useful if you can’t handle the piledriver of freedom delivered by the people’s Moon Pie elbow and need to build up an immunity before going for the full product.

Speaking of Moon Pie’s, it’s about ten thirty. Time for a Moon Pie break. This is your original Shameless Consumer signing out for now, unless my former employer wises up or my successor (if you can call him that) fails to return to work. By which I mean he dies.

Verdict: 2/5 – A low quality replacement to a product that was already portable. As unAmerican as Tofurkey, miniaturizing products, and those unfrosted cupcakes. 

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