It’s your old pal the original Shameless Consumer here with yet another review. I have a few notes from management before we begin. First, a correction: I did not strangle the nimrod that took my job. As it turns out, in the state of Washington it isn’t legally considered a strangling if you stuff a man’s mouth full of Olive Garden breadsticks until he chokes. It’s considered a death by food poisoning, and I’ve just spoiled the second announcement.
Now you intrepid young busy bodies know that the Shameless Consumer is not afraid to admit when he is ignorant, so when the folks in the Non-Dairy Whole Milk Consortium kick flipped today’s review onto my desk, I had just one question: Someone stole my catch phrase.
You see, the Shameless Consumer hasn’t always made a living off of telling you what to eat. Before I came to SCI, I had a job working as a meatloaf delivery man, and every Tuesday I would pass by Ol’ Gurt and his chocolate shop. I’d say ‘yo Gurt” and he’d tell me a story about the war before going back to his ridiculous chocolate experiments. He’s the first man to successfully replace all of the blood in a child’s body with chocolate milk and have the subject live. It was adapted for television in that flick with the fat kid and the chocolate lake, I believe it’s called Dawson’s Creek.
I’ve assumed for all these years that Gurt just knew a lot of people. I’d be in Costco and hear the depressed, under-paid teenager come on the intercom to announce a sale on ‘yo Gurt’ and wonder how old Gurt got so popular that he charged by the six pack just to give a friendly hello. I never thought much into it, and I never go into the dairy aisle on account of the restraining order. But I digress.
Yogurt is actually made by bacterial fermentation of lactose found in milk, an idea that would sound more disgusting were it not spoken to a mean that eats picked…everything. It satisfies my two main food ingredients: bacterial and fermented. Chobani is a company that makes Greek yogurt, a version that is typically thicker and bankrupt.
So let’s give this product a taste. While we wait for the meal to cool, let’s take a look at the ingredients and health rating. Chobani uses only natural, non-gmo ingredients like evaporated cane sugar, pears, and honey. The cows are not treated with rBST, a factor that the packaging notes is completely irrelevant in the same sentence.
But how does it taste? The pear honey combination tastes like pie filler, flavorful and sweet with a nice crunch. Mixed with the yogurt, you get a creamy treat that can be slowly eaten while relaxing on a sidewalk bench watching through the window as an old man falls into his chocolate machine. Oh Gurt, you’d be first in line to marry my sister if it wasn’t for that whole ‘chocolate reich’ business.
The great thing about yogurt, as I have found out, is that the savings flow like yogurt. This stuff is constantly on sale at 10 for $10 at my local grocery store and there is somewhere in the realm of twenty million flavors. All these savings, you’d think Greece was having a going out of business sale and yogurt was their main crop. But anyway.
Chobani Pure Pear and Honey yogurt feels like a handy complement for your lunch, paired with a sandwich made from the rotisserie chicken you’ve been slowly picking at on the counter for the past few days as well as an RC Cola, some chips, and of course a Moon Pie for dessert. It’s sweet without being too sugary, bitter without being disgusting, and even though it doesn’t have any meat in it, the vegan in my office left in disgust after I started motor-boating the cup and proclaiming my newfound love of yogurt.
I just have one question for Chobani: Can I use yogurt as an essential ingredient in my pork ribs? I can? I need to get off to the store.
Verdict: 5/5 – Can hardly say anything wrong about this product. Great price, perfectly crunchy fruit, and flavorful. Probably healthy to some extent.