(Editor’s Note: This article was initially written on a piece of paper on October 4th, wrapped around a brick, and thrown through the window at Shameless Consumer Industries. It took us a couple of months to track down Sha’Meless Consuman to his safe house in Sheboygan Wisconsin where he had shacked up with a life-size cardboard cutout of Ron Lipski. Some of the comments may be out of date, but he insisted we publish this unaltered.)
If there’s one thing the Shameless Consumer loves, it is the manager’s discount section at my local Tops Markets where all the damaged boxes go. If I had to guess, and this is just speculation, I assume they hire mostly arthritic ferrets to open boxes and feed them nothing but bath salts because they manage to damage enough Instant Oatmeal and cereal boxes that I was able to bribe several officials in the Breakfast Illuminati to rig the election in favor of Donald Trump. I don’t know if I’m allowed to post this because the election is still a month away, please advise.
I don’t particularly like the guy, but he was one of the first supporters of the 1986 Supreme Court Ruling in the case of Stanley Garczynski V the State of Florida in which the court ruled 8 to 1, majority opinion read by Justice Burger, that the presence of pizza on a bagel set the legal precedent that pizza could be eaten at anytime. It seems like a minor ruling, but it led to future rulings on the legality of pancakes for dinner.
Lays Chocolate Covered Wavy Chips are one of those things that sounds crazy, but is actually pretty simple on paper. It’s like brain surgery, any schmuck can figure it out but you have to get your mind into the right starting point to know that the goal is actually to keep the patient alive. This is a very simple combination of salty and sweet, a flavor shock that sends your brain swirling like a kick in the mouth by a boot covered in sidewalk salt after you slipped and accidentally keyed the dude’s car.
Most people who saw this in stores were probably hit with sticker shock, or my stun gun which tends to go off because I like to pretend that I’m Magnum PI while I’m rummaging through the candy jar for the freshest burnt French nuts. Don’t make this dirty. This product is five ounces of chips and chocolate, and initially it cost somewhere around the realm of $5. It was basically self-defeating, as the price kicks out any rational thought of how much chocolate actually weighs. The consumer just processes that they’re paying $5 for a bag of chips with relatively few chips.
So this product was on Target’s clearance shelf, next to the catnip for white teenage girls also known as pumpkin spice as well as the pumpkin pie filling, the pumpkin coffee, the pumpkin marshmallows, and for some reason a hell of a lot of protein bars. There was also the Batman V Superman cereal, which we’ll talk about another day.
My recommendation on these chips is to eat them chip side down. Since only one side is actually covered in chocolate, the other side is pretty barren, leaving enough room to get that salty goodness all over the inside of your mouth cave before the chocolate shows up with dynamite and blows it all up. Eat it upside down and the chocolate will flood your taste buds and leave the salt out to dry. Isn’t salt normally dry? It comes from the sea so that can’t be right.
I can’t believe I’m saying this but this product would do well with less chocolate. Tone it down a bit, maybe you can fit more chips at the same weight then. There’s more chocolate than potato chip and you have two strong flavors knocking each other around with the chip basically being the Ronda Rousey of this fight. I understand when people say that the chocolate ruined the product for them You know the situation is pretty bad when ol’ Sha’Meless is giving instructions on how to eat a product the right way, but here we are.
The plus side is that the chocolate is very good. It delivers the whole “melts in your mouth, not in your hand,” a rather cunning concoction that mixed with the wavy chip means that there wasn’t much of a mess on my hands and the chip was crispy, not a soggy one in the bunch. It’s odd to consider this as a food that must be eaten properly, but stick the chip side down and you’ve got a party in your mouth where someone just smashed a champagne bottle on the counter.
Ultimately I have to give this one a positive review. If you see it on clearance, grab a bag or two. One for a friend, and one for you. See what chocolate in chips together can do. I just noticed that this paragraph is rhyming so I’m just going stop typing. Happy Halloween.
Verdict: 4/5 – A deliciously simple blend of salty and sweet that doesn’t advertise well consider its cost. Could use less chocolate on the chips. Now you know the breakfast Illuminati exists, they don’t care if I tell you because you can’t stop them.