(ShameCon Note: This article is not sponsored by Subway, but it can be. Hit me up, Jared’s lawyers.)
There are only two constants in this universe, the endless variety of tasty lunch combinations available on fresh baked bread and hand-crafted by specially trained Subway sandwich artists, and the equally infinite ability for Subway to cannibalize its own sales by allowing franchises to pop up everywhere. Look out for 2019 when Subway will begin allowing franchises to open up inside other Subway franchises.
In light of this understanding and in consideration of this month containing International Women’s Day, Shameless Consumer Industries came up with a list of five cheap Subway subs to enjoy while appreciating women, that would make a vegetarian shout “blech.”
1. Black Forest Ham ($5 Footlong)
Don’t let the veggies and name “Black Forest” fool you, the only thing you’ll be finding in this forest is the tree of ham. Why not pair a Black Forest Ham $5 Footlong sub with a bag of Lays baked potato chips and a Fuze Unsweetened Ice Tea for maximum lunchtime healthy eating?
It’s the perfect combination to get together and talk about Frances McDormand’s recent Oscar for Best Actress in the hit film Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, and the added ham is guaranteed to make a vegetarian say no thanks.
2. Meatball Sub ($5 Footlong)
Our researchers down in Shameless Consumer’s Vegetarian Outreach Center tell us there is compelling evidence that your average vegetarian does not enjoy a good meatball sub. It has something to do with the way the cheese is tessellated on the side, but we can’t tell because nobody has taken the bait thus far.
But why not grab yourself a tasty beverage and sit down with a nice five dollar footlong meatball sub, we won’t even tell your significant other that you skipped out on the vegetables that were so kindly placed into the photograph above to make it look healthier. Muse on life while enjoying the film Meatball Sub, starring Rhona Rees as Adele, a woman who must decide whether to save a life or eat a meatball sub.
It won’t be winning any awards, but then again neither will that marinara stain on your shirt.
3. The Spicy Italian ($5 Footlong)
Our lawyers have advised us against making any dirty jokes regarding the Spicy Italian Footlong, so we’ll use this space to point out that the combination of Genoa salami and pepperoni would likely make for a dish unsuitable for vegetarian consumption. So we’re told.
But you know who else is a spicy Italian? Monica Bellucci. Mama mia! Grab yourself a five dollar footlong Spicy Italian sub and sit down to enjoy the power of women in Hollywood with some of Bellucci’s greatest works: The Matrix Trilogy (as Persephone), Spectre (as Lucia Sciarra), and Twin Peaks (as herself).
4. Cold Cut Combo ($5 Footlong)
The Cold Cut Combo at Subway has ham, salami, and bologna, all of which are turkey based. So technically there’s really only one meat in this sub, which is two less than advertised and one more than the average vegetarian is willing to consume.
And since we’re talking about one entity playing multiple roles, why not grab a $5 footlong and a bag of cheddar baked Cheetos and spend the afternoon watching The Incredible Shrinking Woman, the 1981 film where Lily Tomlin plays Pat Kramer, Judith Beasley, Ernestine, and Edith Ann. Now that’s a role you can really sink your reward points into.
5. Veggie Delite ($5 Footlong)
The only delight you’ll be experiencing with this sub is when you pull out your cleverly hidden pocket roast beef and make this into a meal. In fact, you can pick up a roast beef sub on Subway’s Fresh Fit Choices menu and cut out the middle pocket, save that Pocket Beef®* for a snack later on at the mall, while watching the kids at the playground, and playing with the friendly Police K-9 unit.
And while the Veggie Delite may not be a Veggie Delight, why not enjoy your Pocket Beef sub while watching the hit 2013 film Afternoon Delight, directed by Jill Soloway. Enjoy how many calories your saving while engrossing yourself in the life of Kathryn Hahn’s character Rachel who, presumably fed up with her town’s lack of Subway, adopts a stripper as a live-in nanny.
*Note: Pocket Beef is a registered trademark of Shameless Consumer Industries. For your own safety we do not recommend playing with police dogs with your pocket full of roast beef.