Chefless Consumer: Spruce Up A Salad With 3 Easy Ingredients

Hey folks, Chefless Consumer here today with another tip on how to spruce up those boring meals. Before we begin, I’d like to issue an apology on behalf of Shameless Consumer Industries regarding our last piece in this segment and some negative reaction over a small joke we made about how to spruce up a Chipotle Taco Bowl.

Our lawyers have vehemently denied to the courts that our joke regarding Norovirus as a secret ingredient was in any way an indication of insider knowledge of the actual outbreak that occurred just three weeks after our segment hit the air. It was in poor taste, not unlike Chipotle’s queso, and we apologize to anyone who had the misfortune of eating at Chipotle.

Today we’re going to look at a dish that we all need to eat, as much as we really don’t want to. Of course I’m talking about salad, a food whose name is derived from the Italian phrase for “not pizza.”

I’m going to show you how with three easy ingredients, you can turn that Garden Salsad into a Garden Salglad.

Step #1: Start With Your Salad

The salad I’ve prepared for this dish is a simple combination of lettuce, onion, and thousand island dressing. Now this is a salad, which automatically makes whatever you do to it healthy, so I like to go light on the salad and heavy on the thousand island dressing. I also added a pickle for some extra crunch.

This isn’t Subway, folks, let’s not ruin another meal by putting too much lettuce in it.

Step #2: Add Cheese

What would a salad be without cheese? Praying for someone to put it out of its misery, that’s what, meaning salad and I have a lot in common with each other when in the presence of salad. Now I hit the grocery store about as often as I hit the gym, so all I had in the kitchen was some pre-sliced American cheese.

You can add any kind of cheese your heart desires, from sharp American to mild American, or even Kraft singles.

Step #3: Ground Beef

Ground beef is an overlooked commodity in salad, in fact you won’t find it in many combinations outside of the Taco Salad popularized by modern Chinese cinema. For the sake of funsies, I browned up some ground beef, drained the fat, and formed it into fun discs that can later be broken up while you eat. See? You can even have fun while having lunch, and I drained the fat from the beef which makes it healthy.

Step #4: Croutons

I’m not a fan of croutons, I find them to be difficult to chew and I’m always afraid of cracking a tooth. So to liven up this dish, while still incorporating some level of bread into the mix, I went with simple sesame buns. Sesame seeds are healthy, and croutons make for great ammunition if your friend is sleeping with his mouth open, so really we’re talking about taking this dish and having fun while staying healthy.

Step #5: Finish your Dinish

Oh no…

I must apologize to our viewers around the internet, it looks like in my pursuit of a better salad that I kinda accidentally constructed a Big Mac. I’m not sure what this is supposed to mean, other than that the Big Mac is actually healthier than nutritionists give it credit for. After all, as we have proven today it’s basically a salad.

What I’m trying to say is if you’re going to try and eat healthy, eat McDonald’s. Have a Big Mac.

(Editor’s Note: This article is not sponsored by McDonald’s, but it can be. Hit me up Ronald.)

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