Shameless Consumer Wants The Juicero: A $399 Packet Squeezer

Shameless Consumer Industries doesn’t generally use its leverage of the only food network to be explicitly endorsed by President Obama (in coded language during the announcement of Osama Bin Laden’s assassination) to get stuff, but ol’ Sha’Meless was reclining back, digesting the remnants of last Sunday’s Easter candy when he happened upon an article describing the Juicero, a product that somehow escaped my gaze despite raising $120 million in capital funds.

The concept of the Juicero is pretty simple, it’s a $500 device that squeezes packets of juice into a cup, upon which you drink the contents of said cup. Brilliant! I’ll take five, put it on my credit card and then throw the credit card away because there’s no way I’m paying that bill off and frankly it’s the bank’s fault for ignoring my credit score when I applied for said card.

Juicero uses fresh fruits and vegetables and the machine itself can apparently press with the kind of force that could lift two Teslas. I can empathize, as I’ve often found myself tired out after squeezing the Velveeta cheese packet with the force of two small kittens butting heads.

How can you not like this concept? It’s like a Keurig but cold, a Soda Stream for healthy drinks, a safer version of the contraption I built to siphon gravy out of chicken wing leftovers. Naturally I dug out the Shameless Consumer Corporate Credit Card and went straight to Juicero’s website to buy me a big stinkin’ Juicero and a bunch of those juice packets.

They wouldn’t sell me one.

It wasn’t because the credit card was stolen, which it technically wasn’t because I’m still an employee. Juicero does not currently deliver to Shameless Consumer Industries (I’ll let you know when I figure out where that is) and flat out refuse to provide us with a machine.

Juicero does not currently ship to the Shameless Consumer’s state, or any of the neighboring states, or really any of the states that neighbor the neighboring states. Despite this, they have the audacity to advertise a limited time drink called Granate Glow, which they describe as:

There are no words in the English language that sufficiently describe how good Granate Glow is (trust us: we’ve tried). Don’t settle for the soulless stuff on a grocery store shelf—our Granate Glow is fresh, raw, and mindblowingly invigorating. Consider yourself warned: you’ll never go back to bottled juice again.

Sure, Juicero, challenge the world’s greatest food wordsmith to describe a product that he can’t have.

So I’d like to meet in the middle. I accept your challenge, Juicero, as well as the Juicero system and the Granate Glow packet. Send me this device and I shall concoct a wordsmithing that will have you soiling your pants like you drank too much juice.

Have your people call my people, you know where to reach me. What are you, chicken gravy?

Food News: McDonald’s Wraps Are Dead

The McWrap is officially dead in the water, as McDonald’s has announced that the healthy(?) option is being removed from restaurant menus this week. The move comes as McDonald’s further attempts to cut down on its saturated menu, a circus of meaty delights that ballooned to over one hundred items in the past decade.

McDonald’s introduced the McWrap in 2013, dubbing it the “Subway-buster” because the executives really thought that it could compete with Subway, back when the company was still trying to advertise to millennials with healthier options. It was the anti-Burger King campaign, the latter of which was busy trying to bring in college males with its own failed attempt at connecting.

While the McWrap didn’t draw in customers (the healthier options were virtually negligible in sales), it did increase times at the drive-thru and slow down production. The great thing about wraps is that they are very slow to cook in fast food time, twenty seconds to toast the tortilla is a lifetime when you have a giant lunch rush to deal with.

Also slashed was the Jalapeno McDouble, grilled onion-cheddar burger, and the buffalo ranch McChicken.

McDonald’s is itching for its next big product after a string of failures. Something like the Bic Mac 2: The Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions – on a sesame seed bun boogaloo.

Introducing Shameless Consumer 2.0

Good day everyone,

I hope that today’s message finds you all well, this is not your usual Shameless Consumer host. Due to circumstances that I am not legally allowed to get into at this time, the person who previously held the position of Shameless Consumer has been let go. As I said, I can’t go into many details but the answer should be pretty obvious: A rather unreliable schedule, inconsistent tone in the reviews, and a degrading work ethic. We also learned that he may have forged paperwork to change his name to Sha’Meless Consuman, a factor that probably should have been obvious from the get go.

As a result, I am his replacement. I hope you will find my work to be informative, entertaining, and slightly more optimistic, not to mention my lack of a silly name that is a pun on this website’s title.

There are some big changes coming, including a more structured schedule, more content, and just more overall.

I look forward to working with you all,
Sam L. Kasumin
The new Shameless Consumer