Dollary Duesdays #1: Fast Choice Double Beef Stacker

Dollary Duesdays is an idea that the Shameless Consumer had while held up in the local Dollar Tree waiting for the police outside to give the all clear to leave. Shameless Consumer is something of an expensive project, primarily because most of my reviews don’t actually make it to the public, so we’ve been looking for some cheap ideas to fill in the calendar. Don’t look at me, blame my supervisor. He hasn’t been hired yet.

The Dollar Tree is a veritable playground of sorts, it’s a window into an industry that has been given the green light to legally poison the poor while referring to their products as “food.” So this segment, which is planned for release on Tuesdays, will focus entirely on items that cost one dollar, available at the dollar store!

The Fast Choice Double Beef Stacker was made by an old Shameless Consumer friend, AdvancedPierre. The product is described as:

 Flame broiled beef patties with American cheese on a sesameseed bun.

Yea, sure. One thing I’d like to point out is that this product has a preparation time.

To Thaw: For best results, thaw before heating. Thaw sandwiches in refrigerator overnight. Sandwiches can be stored in refrigerator for up to 14 days.

You want me to thaw my frozen burger? I must apologize to the Shameless Consumer viewers out there (hi mom!), clearly a clerical error was made with this purchase. I was told that I would be reviewing Fast Choice, not Thaw in Fridge Overnight Choice.

What kind of schmuck thaws his dollar store burgers overnight in the fridge? I’m not buying this because I’m planning out my meals, Fast Choice, I have this burger because a hostage situation at the Boost Mobile store next door forced me into the Dollar Tree, and I was hungry and had a dollar in my pocket. The Boost Mobile employee said he was just signing the guy up for a contract, but that didn’t convince the police to not shoot him in the face with a tear gas canister.

One thing that the Shameless Consumer can’t get over is that this sandwich has all of the flavor and texture of a yoga mat. I’m not entirely sure if it’s possible to boil a hamburger, but Fast Choice somehow figured out how to recreate the texture and watery flavor. The burger itself isn’t as much juicy as it is pumped with large quantities of water, it’s like biting into a poorly sealed dumpling.

I also couldn’t figure out why the sandwich had a mild taste of rot, which the scientists over in R&D tracked down to the presence of Hydrolyzed Corn Protein in the seasoning. If you don’t know what that is, just read this.

Hydrolyzed corn protein is water soluble, and considered to be safe in food amounts. However it is rarely used in human food consumption because of its strong, fermented taste.

On the plus side, Fast Choice does contain Vitamin A Palminate, meaning this burger can literally prevent night blindness. It also holds the building blocks of life itself, no doubt an unintentional and ironic part of this food’s conception.

AdvancedPierre’s top of the line burgers run for around $2.50, so if you’d like a good summary of how bad this product is, imagine that they created a budget version and didn’t feel like putting their brand on the package. Whereas I commended the higher tier burger for how its bun reacted in the microwave, this one was overly dense and kept its shape by having the consistency of memory foam mattress stuffing.

If this burger had been greasy, it would have been just what the doctor ordered: A sloppy $1 burger with flavorless beef and flavorless cheese.

But it isn’t, it’s watery. I didn’t finish more than half of it.

Verdict: 1/5 – The disappointing child of the AdvancedPierre family. Didn’t microwave properly. Tastes like water.

Review: Burger King Extra Long Jalapeno Burger

Given that this is a Burger King review, you’re probably expecting me to start with a joke about how the service was terrible, the food was old, followed up by an obviously exaggerated joke about an employee pointing a loaded pistol at me, a joke that some lawyer will take seriously and actually email me with an offer to represent me in court. That isn’t going to happen.

I had a pleasant experience at a Burger King. My food was served fresh, in a timely manner, and the employee said “have a nice evening.” I think I even smelled lemon on the urinal puck in the bathroom, not that I got close enough to smell it, mind you.

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You see, I learned that the answer to a nice time at Burger King is pretty much the same as buying a house: location, location, location. Instead of going to the same place as I did for the mushroom Swiss burger, I found a new Burger King that I had never frequented before, one that specifically had an “our employees are not armed” sign on the front door. That one was also a joke, Mr. Lawyerman (that’s his name, incidentally, Lawyerman, which carries as many job opportunities as my real name: Sha’Meless Consuman). I was originally going to do a mythbusters-esque review on the Halloween Whopper and its apparent effects on the body, but Steve in HR warned that we’d both get fired if I posted photographic evidence.

Anyhow, the Burger King Extra Long Jalapeno Burger is essentially the extra long cheeseburger with jalapeno on top. That’s my review, thank you for stopping by, tip your cats and dogs, always spay and neuter your waiter, and never urinate on pure bleach.

I suppose I should elaborate.

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Burger King’s “extra long burger” is essentially fancy talk for “two burger patties on a hoagie bun.” The last time I ate a standard burger at Burger King was around the time the company had come out with their burger shots, the latest failed attempt to market said item, which Wikipedia points to taking place way back in 2009.

What you get on your jalapeño burger is two patties, onions, cheese, iceberg lettuce, ketchup, mayo, and “marinated jalapenos.” Marinated must be Italian or something, because it means pickled when translated into English. I can’t fault them for trying to spice up the language, so to speak, even if it leads to a future where Burger King starts advertising its mayo as oiled up egg yolks.

When it comes to flavor balancing, jalapenos basically represent the height of what you can expect from fast food culinary engineering. The jalapeño offers a flavorful kick to the sandwich, the capsaicin is partially neutralized by casein, a protein found in dairy products. This way you can offer a “bold” meal that won’t offend the delicate palate of the average fast food customer, the kind that guffaws at at hot salsa because medium is too hot and mild is pushing it.

It also works with the fact that Burger King tends to slather on the fixings, which goes to the benefit of the consumer because no matter how much extinguishing is going on, the jalapenos still have enough flavor to steal the show and dominate this burger. There were just enough on my sandwich to get a single pepper slice in each bite, balancing out the sweet and spicy to create what was actually a pretty good combination.

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Presently the extra long jalapeno burger is on the 2 for $5 menu, making it stand out among the boring options of the Big Fish, the Chicken Sandwich, and Burger King’s nearly copyright-infringing Big King. I’d make a joke about the 2 for $5 menu being made for the white bread, boring, mayonnaise eating crowd, but since that’s exactly what the menu is, all I’m doing is making social commentary.

Otherwise the sandwich by itself is $3.69, in which case you’re just better off spending the extra buck and change and getting two. I’d like to see Burger King expand this line of sandwiches, since the jalapenos feel like they’d go better with some dairy-based barbecue sauce. How about an extra long rodeo burger with jalapenos?

On a side note, have you ever noticed that the ketchup on the Burger King website looks like strawberry jelly? Again this is just a side thought.

Hero-Double Cheeseburger

Ultimately the jalapeno extra long cheeseburger is one of the better “standard” burgers on the Burger King menu. Check it out.

Verdict: 3.5/5 – If you’re at Burger King and you have five bucks, pick up two of these.