Dollary Duesdays #1: Fast Choice Double Beef Stacker

Dollary Duesdays is an idea that the Shameless Consumer had while held up in the local Dollar Tree waiting for the police outside to give the all clear to leave. Shameless Consumer is something of an expensive project, primarily because most of my reviews don’t actually make it to the public, so we’ve been looking for some cheap ideas to fill in the calendar. Don’t look at me, blame my supervisor. He hasn’t been hired yet.

The Dollar Tree is a veritable playground of sorts, it’s a window into an industry that has been given the green light to legally poison the poor while referring to their products as “food.” So this segment, which is planned for release on Tuesdays, will focus entirely on items that cost one dollar, available at the dollar store!

The Fast Choice Double Beef Stacker was made by an old Shameless Consumer friend, AdvancedPierre. The product is described as:

 Flame broiled beef patties with American cheese on a sesameseed bun.

Yea, sure. One thing I’d like to point out is that this product has a preparation time.

To Thaw: For best results, thaw before heating. Thaw sandwiches in refrigerator overnight. Sandwiches can be stored in refrigerator for up to 14 days.

You want me to thaw my frozen burger? I must apologize to the Shameless Consumer viewers out there (hi mom!), clearly a clerical error was made with this purchase. I was told that I would be reviewing Fast Choice, not Thaw in Fridge Overnight Choice.

What kind of schmuck thaws his dollar store burgers overnight in the fridge? I’m not buying this because I’m planning out my meals, Fast Choice, I have this burger because a hostage situation at the Boost Mobile store next door forced me into the Dollar Tree, and I was hungry and had a dollar in my pocket. The Boost Mobile employee said he was just signing the guy up for a contract, but that didn’t convince the police to not shoot him in the face with a tear gas canister.

One thing that the Shameless Consumer can’t get over is that this sandwich has all of the flavor and texture of a yoga mat. I’m not entirely sure if it’s possible to boil a hamburger, but Fast Choice somehow figured out how to recreate the texture and watery flavor. The burger itself isn’t as much juicy as it is pumped with large quantities of water, it’s like biting into a poorly sealed dumpling.

I also couldn’t figure out why the sandwich had a mild taste of rot, which the scientists over in R&D tracked down to the presence of Hydrolyzed Corn Protein in the seasoning. If you don’t know what that is, just read this.

Hydrolyzed corn protein is water soluble, and considered to be safe in food amounts. However it is rarely used in human food consumption because of its strong, fermented taste.

On the plus side, Fast Choice does contain Vitamin A Palminate, meaning this burger can literally prevent night blindness. It also holds the building blocks of life itself, no doubt an unintentional and ironic part of this food’s conception.

AdvancedPierre’s top of the line burgers run for around $2.50, so if you’d like a good summary of how bad this product is, imagine that they created a budget version and didn’t feel like putting their brand on the package. Whereas I commended the higher tier burger for how its bun reacted in the microwave, this one was overly dense and kept its shape by having the consistency of memory foam mattress stuffing.

If this burger had been greasy, it would have been just what the doctor ordered: A sloppy $1 burger with flavorless beef and flavorless cheese.

But it isn’t, it’s watery. I didn’t finish more than half of it.

Verdict: 1/5 – The disappointing child of the AdvancedPierre family. Didn’t microwave properly. Tastes like water.