Review: Marshmallow Peeps Trio (Easter Edition)

Fun story: So the Shameless Consumer was sitting at his desk eating his usual lunch of Rolos and plain, unsweetened green tea, when the folks over in research and development come over and threw this down on the desk. Cherry Limeade Peeps. Assuming that I was in the midst of a stroke, I reasonably asked one of the two men to use the golf club taped underneath my desk to quickly put me out of my misery. They simply walked away laughing.

Undeterred, I strolled right into the office of the VP of Shameless Consumer Industries and submitted my resignation. He didn’t even read the not-so-subtle comments about his mother’s taste for disgusting perversions like Domino’s Pizza before slapping the page with a giant “rejected” stamp (I have no idea where he got the stamp). So I, kindly, and in between lobbing a barrage of vulgar and in hindsight possibly racist obscenities at him, requested to be fired again. That was denied. I ran over the VP’s dog, he promoted me to the nonexistent title of “Foreman of Peeps.” I shot the VP, he somehow managed to pile my desk with even more Peeps to review by the time I got back.

In order to better explain the craze for Marshmallow Peeps, I’d like to bring to my audience’s attention the concept of Freeganism, where Brooklyn hipsters save hundreds of dollars a month by dumpster diving and eat otherwise fresh, still packaged food that’s been thrown out because companies like Trader Joe’s weren’t able to sell it. Imagine if these people didn’t care about the quality of food going into their bodies, and you have those who enjoy Peeps.

If that analogy didn’t work for your, imagine Marshmallow Peeps as the modern Neo-Nazi movement. You rarely see someone eating a Peep in close proximity, but you hear about areas where it’s gotten really popular and you see people talking about their love of it online all the time. Bring it up in conversation however and everyone in the room will quickly disavow any knowledge or association with peep lovers.

1. Cherry Limeade Peeps

This product is described as:

“Cherry Limeade! Sour cherry dipped in lime fudge and graciously sprinkled with regret and the unfulfilled wishes of puppies recently turned roadkill.”

I may be editorializing a bit on that, but it doesn’t matter. One must wonder who in this world has been buying Peeps to the level that the company continues to pump out increasingly disgusting flavor combinations dipped in what I can only assume to be a combination of stomach acid and Chlorox Bleach.

And since Peeps brand isn’t merely content with bastardizing the term “marshmallow,” they’ve gone and taken a hatchet to the term “fudge,” using it to describe whatever they’re dipping the Peeps in. I don’t know what Limeade fudge is, I even went through the trouble of sending an email to Gordon Ramsay’s PR people who responded and told me to never contact them again.

One aspect I’m having trouble wrapping my head around is why the Peeps taste like soap. Imagine if Dial for some reason decided to make a cherry slush flavored soap, let’s say the CEO decides he’s going to poison a bunch of children in a way that has plausible deniability, this Peep is very close to what that product might taste like.

The limeade fudge is an oddity, because I still have no idea what it is, Gordon Ramsay isn’t answering my 911 calls, and I have an interesting theory as to where the flavor comes from. Otherwise, it has that distinct, acidy, candy lime flavor. In effect, the Peeps company took cherry peeps and dipped them in melted Lime Runts, which explains what Nestle did with the leftover flavoring after they discontinued Lime Runts in the late 90’s.

Verdict: 1/5 – Tastes like battery acid dipped in lime candy.

2. Raspberry Peeps

I have to give Peeps credit where credit is due, this is easily the best of the trio. Going back to my previous comment, this peep did not immediately smell of stomach acid and bleach, the scent was a highly muted raspberry. Peeps also deserves points for making a genuine raspberry candy, ie: not going the route of blue raspberry which tends to be more acidic and tart.

The fudge is, thankfully, just a neutral creme flavor and is not, as the purple color may imply, raspberry fudge. The pairing is decent, a fruity creamy mixture. It’s tame enough to be inoffensive to anyone who eats it.

I don’t have much to say about this product, so I’ll skip to some Peeps trivia. Have you ever wondered what those eyes are made out of? It turns out, Peep eyes are made out of Carnauba Wax, which is an edible, nontoxic, and it’s also used in wax products so it’s great for uneducated suburban moms to wax poetic about how inherently dangerous it must be on their blogs.

Another thing Peeps have going for them is sugar. It’s not great, but 10g of sugar per Peep is a lot less than I expected for a product that appears to basically be whipped sugar dipped in sugar.

Verdict: 3/5 – After eating two of the three, I decided that it would be better without the creme fudge. 

3. Vanilla Caramel Brownie

These aren’t half bad, but they’re not very good either. The vanilla brownie Peeps are filled with caramel, but it’s fake caramel, and the marshmallow itself is vanilla, but it’s fake vanilla (synthetic vanillin). The caramel is low quality, but I do like the fact that it is pumped throughout the Peep.

The best way I’ve found to describe the caramel is to take the stuff you find in a Milky Way and imagine that that is 5 star chef made caramel in comparison to this. It mimics the caramel like Ditto mimics another Pokemon, if you see it out of the corner of your eye, in passing, and you happen to be blind then you might be convinced you’re looking at a real Pikachu. Otherwise on Easter you’re probably better off eating the actual candy you received.

Again, I have to give Peeps an A for effort, but the presentation is like a good looking gingerbread house but all of the pieces are put together with glue, so you’d probably not want to eat the final product even if it is technically non-toxic.

Verdict: 2/5 – As far as Peeps go, this is more edible than the usual variety. 

Bonus: Confetti Peep Egg

No. Absolutely not. This egg smells like diabetes and the first and only bite I took of it has all the taste and texture of a mildly strawberry flavored packing material.

Verdict: N/A – Not my horse, not my barn.