Here at Shameless Consumer Industries, we like to follow the KISS rule, which stands for Kevin (Bacon) Isn’t Sheriff, Stupid. What that means is while food should look good, it should emphasize satisfaction and filling. Don’t serve me pretty air. Like when you hear about those five thousand dollar platters at three star Michelin restaurants on TV only to see the waiter bring out the tray and the whole meal is smaller than what you’d serve an infant.
Like Nature Box, Blue Apron was an idea that the Shameless Consumer had because he heard it on the radio show. Which show? All of them. These days you can’t listen to the radio, a podcast, hear voices in the fillings in your teeth, or intercept private Russian communications without someone being sponsored by Blue Apron. In fact, scientific studies show that Shameless Consumer is the only entity left on earth not sponsored by Blue Apron. Even you are, check your big toe for your branding.
Let’s talk about cost. Blue Apron costs $60 per week for three, two serving meals. If you’re single and hate shopping for dinner ingredients and don’t mind paying a premium, it’s great. Otherwise, I dare any one of you to find me a universe where a standard meal is more than $10 per serving. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Blue Apron is also great for simple meals that are pretty elegant, not simple like instant mashed potatoes but not difficult like Beef Wellington. My cousin died from Beef Wellington disease, a story I’m sticking to even though the coroner has sued to keep me silent. They keep telling me he’s alive and well in Birmingham, and even went as far as to set up a double who still visits on Christmas. I suppose we all go through the stages of grief in different ways.
This is probably the point where you expect me to talk about the history of roast beef, to which some book nerd is thinking that it is Swedish for beef that is roasted, when any educated person is aware of its origins as a racist slur against Ottomans living in Greece in the late 1400’s. Plus, we don’t have time for history, we have beef to cook.
Where’s the beef? I know where…
Anyway, the roast beef needs to hit room temperature before we can do anything with it, and that’s going to take some time. Come back in like, fifteen or twenty minutes. So how is everyone’s summer going? See any good movies? Did you know that it’s been like five weeks since the last Shameless Consumer review? Who is the lazy moron that runs that webs-oh hey the beef is set.
We place our immaculately seasoned beef into a pan of heated olive oil and flip occasionally. Now the Shameless Consumer likes his meat like he likes his food poisoning: Rare and from meat, so we’re going to take the lower end of the cooking times. If you want to go for more well done, unfortunately nobody can help you.
Now that the beef has been pan fried, we eat. I’m just kidding, but look at that beef. We’ll need to transfer the beef to our oven and cook for 8-10 minutes. I’m going for 8, at a lower temperature. While the beef roasts, we’ll be cooking the Farro for 16-18 minutes. Gee, woulda been good to start with that, right Blue Apron? You kinda have to read ahead, because the next step usually starts as the previous step is still going. It’s like a crappy choose your own adventure novel.
Anyway, bippity boppity boo, and dinner’s done for two. I’m going to skip the rest of the steps since I’m sure you’re aware of how to put vegetables on a pan until they’re cooked, and Shameless Consumer Industries will probably be relieved that I’m not spending a review making comparisons to the Nazi movement. It’s a pretty simple method of cooking the food until it’s cooked, mostly by pan cooking or roasting in the oven. This is what I like about Blue Apron, it has simple recipes that even lazy food bloggers like yours truly can cook to not write about.
The ultimate meal turned out to be sort of a hodgepodge of stuff, with the farro acting as the emotional support, telling the olives that existence is an illusion and that we will all die one day. I’m hesitant to talk about the specific ingredients because this recipe isn’t exact and can change pretty heavily based on your cooking ability.
Regardless, the whole meal was pretty tasty and easy to cook. I have to hand it to Blue Apron, I expected the service to be sub par and overpriced, but found the food to be quite tasty albeit overpriced. I could always buy my own ingredients, but who wants to go to grocery stores? Amazon sells everything I need!
If you’re a cook and don’t care about buying the ingredients yourself, I recommend checking out Blue Apron’s website. You can actually see their recipes and try it out for yourself without having a subscription.
Verdict: 4/5 – I underestimated just how much farro this meal came with, wound up with enough for two gigantic servings. The roast beef was a good cut, and the ingredients were fresh and tasty. My presentation wasn’t great, but then again I’m just shoveling this into my mouth hole so who cares.