Hey everyone,
It’s your old pal Sha’Meless Consuman. Yes, that guy.
You might be asking your computer, how did I get out of the underground Little Caesars restaurant located below a functioning Little Caesars restaurant on Business Drive in Sheboygan Wisconsin? Nobody knew where to find me! You’re right, despite my clever hints hidden within numerous reviews, not a single person at my place of business was able to figure it out.
In that vein, I’d like to give an adequately sized shout out to the customers of the Little Caesars in Sheboygan Wisconsin who managed to dig out and rescue me from my underground prison. I’m only giving them a moderate shout out, because they were actually driven by the smell of rat Parmesan, what with it being the only edible thing in the building, and I managed to sneak out before the scene became violent. It’s incredible how a simple bag of freeze dried chicken noodle soup can be thrown hard enough to induce a concussion.
Anyway, I’m back only to learn that they’ve taken those two months out of my paid time off. I don’t bust my ass to put out new content every two weeks to seven months to be treated like this. To vent my frustration, I went down to the local KFC to see what crazy new things they had on the menu, and that’s how I found the dessert biscuit.
The KFC Dessert Biscuit is what happens when Tony Lowings kicks down the door to Monica Rothgery’s office and calmly explains to her that it’s been about thirty years since the company came up with a new dessert item, and if she doesn’t have a proposal on his desk within the next half hour that he’s going to grab the five meat feast from Little Caesars and redecorate her office walls but not with pizza, if you get my drift. On second thought, the KFC Dessert Biscuit is what happens when your insurance forces you to move over to the generic brand crystal meth.
As someone who eats at KFC at least once a month, I never knew until this week that they served dessert. They have cookies and these pound cakes that they call The Big Finish. I can only assume that’s because the sponginess of the cake is made to cork your colon shut so your body has some time to absorb what little nutrients are present in the potato wedges. If it sounds like I’m pissed at KFC or trying to rag on their food, I’d like to say that’s not the case at all. Given my two month departure and despite the fact that I’ve been publishing reviews in that time frame, the management at Shameless Consumer Industries has seen fit to put me through mandatory catch up training. It consists of watching around twenty hours of Youtube food reviewers.
The Cinnabon Dessert Biscuit is the product of an unholy matrimony, the kind that over the last few years has gone from quirky and interesting to dull and stupid. It’s not the first time we’ve fallen into this hole, since Gerber (yes the baby food company) once tried to sell its pureed foods to adults in the 70’s under the brand Gerber Singles. They missed the mark, since the adult baby food logically should have come with a handful of SSRI’s, a pamphlet with local therapists, and coupon for the local sex shop. This is also the kind of skullduggery that brings us bacon deodorant, sriracha toothpaste, and California reaper catheter lubricant.
I didn’t hate the Cinnabon Dessert Biscuits, but at the same time I’m not the kind of petulant manchild who will go unnamed for the sake of this review; the kind of guy who hams up his videos and acts like a four year old girl opening up a brand new Barbie doll on her birthday whenever he sees and eats food as though he didn’t eat a whole Cornish hen just a half hour ago, while the audience knows he’s just eating himself to death from the front seat of his leased Hyundai Elantra. Again I’m not going to name names, but you can’t help but feel bad for the guy while he jiggles around his car in glee because he has an opportunity to justify fifth dessert.
KFC’s Cinnabon Dessert Biscuits would be cooler if they were cinnamon biscuits, but they aren’t. They are standard KFC biscuits with some cinnamon and cream cheese icing drizzled over top. After eating two of them, I have come to the conclusion that they are essentially holiday Cinnabon alternatives. It’s like a small Cinnabon that you can eat two of and not feel cavities developing in your teeth along with the several hours knocked off your life expectancy.
It’s actually not bad, it’s like they took a Cinnabon sticky bun and removed a lot of the shame and depression that comes after eating it. It’s like a Cinnabon vitamin. A mini-Cinnabon. The morning after Cinnabon. I have no other jokes to make.
It certainly isn’t as traumatizing as that childhood experience when your parents leave you for a week with the hippie next door neighbor who tells you you’re having chicken mcnuggets for dinner, but when you happily enter the kitchen she says that she made her own famous mcnuggets which are just as tasty and a lot healthier because they’re vegan, and served with sugar free ketchup that she also made from scratch, and while you’re enjoying dinner we need to talk about you taking a stand against your parents when they take you to get your measles vaccine next month. I’m sorry, I blanked out for a second. Was I typing things?
Ultimately the Cinnabon Dessert Biscuit from KFC isn’t as disgusting as it looks in photos. It’s nothing you’ll write home about, although I guess I kinda did that by writing about it here. Oh well.
Verdict: 4/5 – Decently priced at $1 apiece, a Cinnabon with none of the shame and health defects.
The Shameless Consumer 